Agnostic Jokes 15



Atheists say: Show me and I will trust you

God says: Trust me and I will show you

Agnostics say: Trust me, neither of you can show anybody anything.


On the other side of the coin:
Empirical argument/language argument against god:

a. We know all triangles have 3 sides
b. One cannot make definitional statements about God without showing He exists
c. because God is not empirically verifiable, we cannot make empirical statements about Him.
d. Therefore, talk of God is nonsense.


Only an agnostic will understand this:

Natural selection, which was at first considered as though it were a hypothesis that was in need of experimental or observational confirmation, turns out on closer inspection to be a tautology, a statement of an inevitable although previously unrecognized relation. It states that the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave the most offspring) will leave the most offspring. Once the statement is made, its truth is apparent. This fact in no way reduces the magnitude of Darwin’s achievement; only after it was clearly formulated, could biologists realize the enormous power of the principle as a weapon of explanation… hmmm


12 Signs You May Be Atheist Fundie…

1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday school. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.

2. You think that the primary aim of an Omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “the lack of belief in gods” and not just “belief that god does not exist”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

12. You think you are sticking it to theists (who actually identifies themselves as a theist?) by refusing to say Merry Christmas as a seasons greeting and reply smugly Happy Holidays having no idea holiday comes from holy day… And how is your day?


IT’S SO DRY today that:
the Catholics are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Presbyterians are using wet-wipes,
the Atheists are giving rain checks,
and the Agnostics are attempting the wine to turn back into water!


How to turn water into wine (and vice versa)  a TRUE MIRACLE!

The Amphora of Heron of Alexandria, the mathematician and inventor called o mechanikós, allows to pour either water or wine from the same vessel. The amphora is divided into two compartments by a vertical partition wall, while an opening leads the liquid from each compartment to a common spout at the foot. Inside the neck there is a round wall with small holes, like a sieve; and, at the top of each half, air holes have been made near the handles. If when the spout at the bottom is shut, wine is poured into the neck of the amphora, it can only fill the half whose air hole is open. Later the other half may be filled with water, using the same procedure. When the neck has been closed, either water or wine can be poured from the same spout, if the right air hole is obstructed with a finger. So people could be served either water or wine without having to carry 2 Amphora’s. Would truly be an amazing trick if you never seen it done before…

Water to wine

… Heron appears to have been the ‘go to man’ for thaumata (θαυματα) … a.k.a miracles. Yes he made them. But what was a miracle in Greece and the Greek controlled middle east in 200 BC?

According to the etymology of the word “miracle” comes from the Greek “wonderful” and it is this which causes admiration and wonder, a temporary event and rules can not be applied generally.

Today the word is defined as a supernatural occurance attributed to God, But back in the time of Christ it was just something wonderful.

Considering the information that it was known how to ‘CONvince’ others that you could turn water into wine, what is more likely to have occurred in the bible tale ?

1. That ‘Jesus’ performed an actual miracle and changed the water into wine.


2. That ‘Jesus’ used Heron’s amphora and no miracle occurred. Ahh but not in the supernatural sense but the the true sense as in something wonderful. And somebody writing about it some 400 years later translated the event as a supernatural happening.


Think about this…

Oddly enough allowing same sex marriage will actually help eliminate gays, by keeping their genes out of the pool.


Makes me laugh how Atheists ridicule Theists and Agnostics about God, and then turn around and go to the local si-fi con and rationalize ghosts and aliens… WTF?


Atheist on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane seeing no parents close by and turned to her and said “do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers”

The girl stopped reading her book on Agnosticism and replied to the total stranger “What do you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know.” said the Atheist “How about how there is no god, heaven, hell and no life after death” Says the Atheist as he smiles smugly.

“Ok” She says “Those can be interesting topics but first let me ask you a question. A horse a deer and a cow all eat the same stuff…grass. But when they poop deer poop out pellets, Cows poop out a flat pattie, and horses poop out egg shaped clumps… Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist surprised at the young girl’s intelligent question is taken back, thinks about it and gives the first true answer he ever gave. “I don’t know…”

The girl looks at the Atheist and says: “Do you really think you’re qualified to talk about god, heaven, hell and the afterlife when clearly by your own admission, you don’t know shit?”

Locical Fallacy 2


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Atheism is non-belief which leaves no place for doubt, it is not a non-belief;

It is a superstition by definition: a non-belief or notion, not based on reason or knowledge or circumstance not logically related to a course of events influences its outcome.

What theories have been proven true and absolute?

Silly Question even an atheist knows no theory can be proven true. (Like evolution)

So with no proof a theory is true. Does that mean it’s false? No of course not a theory stands as fact until falsified despite lack of proof.

Theo-ries = a set of ideas that have never been proven false after many many experiments

Would not the following equation be equally true?

Theo-logy = a set of ideas that have never been proven false after many many experiments.

Not being falsified they stand as fact. Is that not the scientific method? An idea stands until falsified and never proven by means of evidence.

Does god exist, is he real? I for one do not pretend not to know, what many atheists are sure they don’t believe in.

What god is, is an unfalsified fact. Just like the theory of evolution the big band and the spaghetti monster and pink unicorns are any of them real? Probably not but the fact remains. Evidence just supports a theory and raises probability that’s all nothing more it proves nothing.

Why is it so hard for atheists to admit the truth?

Just admit you don’t know is that so hard?

I became agnostic when I was praying one day and realized I was talking to myself. I stayed away from atheism because they demanded proof of this fact… That and the fact atheists have no holidays. Who doesn’t like turkey and Easter eggs? Do atheist fundies really not celebrate Christmas Easter and thanksgiving? DO they not celebrate the birth of the one nation under god on the 4th of July who in god they trust? Really? REALLY? Do they close their eyes and plug their ears and phone the police when the fireworks go off? The atheist fundie un-religion must really suck on those days. What do you think? And who do they talk to when they are having an orgasm?

Come on you must be getting bored talking to Christians who will never believe a word your saying. Think agnostic and you can argue with twice as many people. Come back to your roots. You know you don’t know just use the un-force just say it the truth will set you lose.

Perhaps atheists have belief and claim confused?

If I say I choose to believe in god that is not a claim it’s called a belief. A belief may or not be rational but it certainly does not have to be proven or evidence given to be fact. If I believe red is my favorite color does it require proof? No but it is a fact. How many people say there is or is not a god not knowing the implications or caring. Only the ignorant would presume to ask for proof of a belief, justification maybe proof no.

God is a fact that requires no proof get over it.

Fact: something believed to be true or real.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored

Anyone who uses science to prove or disprove any type of higher power, quite frankly, doesn’t understand science. Anybody who has taken a basic physics course in college would understand between the obvious differences between science and religion and why you don’t mix them

Is god a fact a belief or both?

If I say god is a fact. Or I choose to believe in god. Or god is real. Did I make a claim needing proof or is it a statement of fact?

Claim: To state to be true

 Fact: Something believed to be true or real

If I claimed my favourite color was red, would it require evidence to be accepted as truth?

If I stated that my favourite color is red is a fact. Would I need to prove it or give evidence to support my belief?

If an atheist said all Christians believe red is their favourite color and for them to prove it. Would it make sense?

If an atheist claimed all Christians believe in god and then asked for proof would it make sense?

Or reworded the question to say Christians say they believe in god they made the claim they need to prove it? Does that make sense?

This is called the fallacy of many questions or loaded question. A logical fallacy.

So I can say god is a fact you don’t need to believe it but a Christian does not need to prove it. Just like unicorns, the big bang theory, and evolution.

Belief is not a claim.

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be understood by atheists. And an atheist will never see the difference.

You can’t convince an atheist of anything; for their non-belief is not based on evidence, it’s based on a deep-seated need to not to believe. Supported by a presupposition that god exists, which they deny. Sound logic or a logical fallacy?

Circular reasoning is a formal logical fallacy in which the proposition to be proved is assumed implicitly or explicitly in one of the premises. For example:

“God does not exist. The fact that Christians can’t prove there is a god is proof of this.”

OR “god cannot be proven, because you cannot prove a negative.”

Such an argument is fallacious, because it relies upon its own proposition — “God does not exist” or “God cannot be proven” — in order to support its central premise. Essentially, the argument assumes that its central point is already proven, and uses this in support of itself.

Clearly, atheism is not a rational worldview. It is self-refuting because the atheist must first assume the opposite of what he is trying to prove in order to be able to prove anything. Much like a-theism presupposes theism. Laws of logic require the existence of God.

You can’t convince an atheist of anything; for their non-belief is not based on evidence, it’s based on a deep-seated need to not to believe. Supported by a presupposition that god exists, which they deny. Sound logic or a logical fallacy? A non-belief based on Circular reasoning.

Circular reasoning always presupposes guilt instead of assuming innocence “I say your guilty of murder prove your innocent or you are guilty.” This type of Logic is called a Kangaroo Court or in medieval times an Inquisition. Seems ironic Atheists having to resort to inquisition to support their non-belief. A practice Christians left behind centuries ago.

And remember don’t use Merry Christmas … Happy Holidays gets on them thar Theists nerves.. Happy Holy Day….

One last tidbit:

I wonder when the flat earth theory was accepted as truth did it fall from acceptance because one atheist kept nattering for the powers that be provide him with proof HE was prepaired to accept OR when did it change when one Agnostic got up off his ass and said  I really don’t know lets have a look and see? And the world changed forever.

Truthfully I’m sure if you arrived at an atheists home with a man on a donkey speaking aramaic with 12 followers the would call a cop 🙂


Agnostic Jokes 7


Agnostic, Christian, Atheist walking through a field come upon a farmer.

The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The Christian prays for guidance and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The Atheist looks at him and laughs. “No, the best way is a circle”. The Christian concedes and they start building the fence.

The Agnostic just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says “I declare myself to be outside”.

Agnostic Question1

An Agnostic school teacher walking with his grade 12 class in a park come upon three men he knows arguing about the existence of God.

The first man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my belief in god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument

The second man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my lack of belief in  god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right to have a lack of belief in God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.

The third man comes over and says George you are a wise man and agnostic like myself these two fools say they know if god exists or does not what do you think? George says “You are right who knows if there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.

Back at the school the students confront their teacher saying “all three of the men in the park came and asked your opinion on god and you agreed with all three why did you lie to them?” I did not lie to them says George told each in turn they were right.” “But why they cannot be all right?” Says one Student “But of course not, but you must understand, None of the three really wanted my opinion they just wanted me to agree with them.”

Agnostic Question1

Agnostic, Christian, Atheist were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, It was God no question. It says so in the bible.”

The Atheist said, “No, it was evolution. It says so in science.”

The Agnostic said, “Actually it must have been an atheist. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Agnostic Question1

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, an atheist boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? Because I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

Agnostic Question1

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God smiles at the Atheist and a voice booms out again: “Okay …
.. NOW you’re screwed.”

Agnostic Question1

What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.

Agnostic Question1

A Christian, a Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”

Agnostic Question1

What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.

Agnostic Question1

An Atheist, a Theist, an Agnostic, and a Gnostic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The Gnostic chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The Atheist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The Christian chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols and allowing the bible to be written.

The Agnostic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes — so what?”
“Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. That little bottle — how does it know?”

Agnostic Question1

A Christian physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks an Atheist math professor to look at it.

A week later, the Atheist math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the Christian physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the Atheist math professor to look again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Atheist math professor tells the Christian physics professor the equation does work, “But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive.”

Agnostic Question1

Atheism is Christianity without thought.
Agnostics is Christianity without purpose.

Agnostic Question1