Agnostic Jokes 15

 

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Atheists say: Show me and I will trust you

God says: Trust me and I will show you

Agnostics say: Trust me, neither of you can show anybody anything.

 

On the other side of the coin:
Empirical argument/language argument against god:

a. We know all triangles have 3 sides
b. One cannot make definitional statements about God without showing He exists
c. because God is not empirically verifiable, we cannot make empirical statements about Him.
d. Therefore, talk of God is nonsense.

 

Only an agnostic will understand this:

Natural selection, which was at first considered as though it were a hypothesis that was in need of experimental or observational confirmation, turns out on closer inspection to be a tautology, a statement of an inevitable although previously unrecognized relation. It states that the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave the most offspring) will leave the most offspring. Once the statement is made, its truth is apparent. This fact in no way reduces the magnitude of Darwin’s achievement; only after it was clearly formulated, could biologists realize the enormous power of the principle as a weapon of explanation… hmmm

 

12 Signs You May Be Atheist Fundie…

1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday school. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.

2. You think that the primary aim of an Omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “the lack of belief in gods” and not just “belief that god does not exist”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

12. You think you are sticking it to theists (who actually identifies themselves as a theist?) by refusing to say Merry Christmas as a seasons greeting and reply smugly Happy Holidays having no idea holiday comes from holy day… And how is your day?

 

IT’S SO DRY today that:
the Catholics are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Presbyterians are using wet-wipes,
the Atheists are giving rain checks,
and the Agnostics are attempting the wine to turn back into water!

 

How to turn water into wine (and vice versa)  a TRUE MIRACLE!

The Amphora of Heron of Alexandria, the mathematician and inventor called o mechanikós, allows to pour either water or wine from the same vessel. The amphora is divided into two compartments by a vertical partition wall, while an opening leads the liquid from each compartment to a common spout at the foot. Inside the neck there is a round wall with small holes, like a sieve; and, at the top of each half, air holes have been made near the handles. If when the spout at the bottom is shut, wine is poured into the neck of the amphora, it can only fill the half whose air hole is open. Later the other half may be filled with water, using the same procedure. When the neck has been closed, either water or wine can be poured from the same spout, if the right air hole is obstructed with a finger. So people could be served either water or wine without having to carry 2 Amphora’s. Would truly be an amazing trick if you never seen it done before…

Water to wine

… Heron appears to have been the ‘go to man’ for thaumata (θαυματα) … a.k.a miracles. Yes he made them. But what was a miracle in Greece and the Greek controlled middle east in 200 BC?

According to the etymology of the word “miracle” comes from the Greek “wonderful” and it is this which causes admiration and wonder, a temporary event and rules can not be applied generally.

Today the word is defined as a supernatural occurance attributed to God, But back in the time of Christ it was just something wonderful.

Considering the information that it was known how to ‘CONvince’ others that you could turn water into wine, what is more likely to have occurred in the bible tale ?

1. That ‘Jesus’ performed an actual miracle and changed the water into wine.

OR

2. That ‘Jesus’ used Heron’s amphora and no miracle occurred. Ahh but not in the supernatural sense but the the true sense as in something wonderful. And somebody writing about it some 400 years later translated the event as a supernatural happening.

 

Think about this…

Oddly enough allowing same sex marriage will actually help eliminate gays, by keeping their genes out of the pool.

 

Makes me laugh how Atheists ridicule Theists and Agnostics about God, and then turn around and go to the local si-fi con and rationalize ghosts and aliens… WTF?

 

Atheist on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane seeing no parents close by and turned to her and said “do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers”

The girl stopped reading her book on Agnosticism and replied to the total stranger “What do you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know.” said the Atheist “How about how there is no god, heaven, hell and no life after death” Says the Atheist as he smiles smugly.

“Ok” She says “Those can be interesting topics but first let me ask you a question. A horse a deer and a cow all eat the same stuff…grass. But when they poop deer poop out pellets, Cows poop out a flat pattie, and horses poop out egg shaped clumps… Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist surprised at the young girl’s intelligent question is taken back, thinks about it and gives the first true answer he ever gave. “I don’t know…”

The girl looks at the Atheist and says: “Do you really think you’re qualified to talk about god, heaven, hell and the afterlife when clearly by your own admission, you don’t know shit?”

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8 responses

  1. Hi,

    I discovered this blog right before bed time, but I must say I love what I see so far. Just one question regarding your tagline: as an agnostic, my primary goal is simply to stay away from atheists –far, FAR away– which, of course, isn’t hard considering how utterly repellent most of them are. So why worry about taking them on? Let them continue being the flip side of fundamentalist religion and just don’t worry about it, like Neil deGrasse Tyson seems to try to suggest.

    I bookmarked your site and will most definitely return shortly to read more. It’s nice to actually find *someone* out there with a similar viewpoint though. =)

  2. I just got tired of looking at their mindless drivel thinly disguised as logic and decided to have a go at the logic. As you mention they are just as thick headed as the fundies although not near as smart or polite 🙂

  3. I wonder, are you agnostic about Santa as well? Trolls? Freddie? Invisible, inaudible, imperceivable elves in you large intestine that revolt whenever you eat Mexican? True, it is wiser not to have an answer sometimes, but with some things the logical answer would not be “I don’t know”.
    People calling themselves agnostic (and most of them are atheists actually) are part of the problem why the term “atheist” is so stigmatized in our society. Just like believers, as witnessed here, they think atheists are arrogant, mean, know-it-all, snobbish kind. Funny how you assume they acting so superior to others, while you do just that yourself. “Agnosticism – the ultimate un-answer” I’m yet to meet an atheists like you describe, and even if there are such people, well, it’s not because they are atheists, but rather because they are arrogant, mean, know-it-all snobs.
    In the end, I want to say that no one is JUST agnostic or atheist. The wisest, and most logical is agnostic-atheist. Anything else kind of needs more evidence, even an agnostic-theist.
    So, anyway, good luck to you and your blog. Continue to bash atheists. Ah, but you won’t need luck, causes you are above all, unlike those pesky atheists who have nothing between their ears.

    • I am agnostic on anything I don’t know about. You can assume whatever you like on any given subject. many years ago you would be thought a fool saying the world was round. I elect to tell the truth as opposed to expressing an opinion based on a point of view.

      Most Agnostic are Atheist… really 🙂 You presume to know what I as an agnostic thinks as well… nice trick… no I don’t think you are a snobbish know it all’s … I think you are a brain dead pseudo-intellectual. Who parrots what they have heard from others. Agnostic’s is indeed not the ultimate unanswer. its the ultimate truth, what else can you say about most things except you do not know… The wisest is an agnostic-atheist … what??? That’s like calling bald a hair color… You have a good day … and here is an old Agnostic proverb for you… I don’t know and I know you don’t know either… And come a day you find proof there is no God you come see me and I’ll gladly change my mind… But I won’t hold my breath.

  4. I found this post to be insulting. I felt like the person behind this post assumed that the readers would be fools. I envy eny person who can read their life in Black and White.
    The truth is that you and I do not know what happens when we die. We live our lives in shades of grey, or if we are fortunate enough – we can see the colors of the spectrum!
    Did you really insult someone for becoming an agnostic at a young age?
    When did you choose to believe what you believe?

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