Agnostic Jokes 15

 

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Atheists say: Show me and I will trust you

God says: Trust me and I will show you

Agnostics say: Trust me, neither of you can show anybody anything.

 

On the other side of the coin:
Empirical argument/language argument against god:

a. We know all triangles have 3 sides
b. One cannot make definitional statements about God without showing He exists
c. because God is not empirically verifiable, we cannot make empirical statements about Him.
d. Therefore, talk of God is nonsense.

 

Only an agnostic will understand this:

Natural selection, which was at first considered as though it were a hypothesis that was in need of experimental or observational confirmation, turns out on closer inspection to be a tautology, a statement of an inevitable although previously unrecognized relation. It states that the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave the most offspring) will leave the most offspring. Once the statement is made, its truth is apparent. This fact in no way reduces the magnitude of Darwin’s achievement; only after it was clearly formulated, could biologists realize the enormous power of the principle as a weapon of explanation… hmmm

 

12 Signs You May Be Atheist Fundie…

1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday school. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.

2. You think that the primary aim of an Omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “the lack of belief in gods” and not just “belief that god does not exist”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

12. You think you are sticking it to theists (who actually identifies themselves as a theist?) by refusing to say Merry Christmas as a seasons greeting and reply smugly Happy Holidays having no idea holiday comes from holy day… And how is your day?

 

IT’S SO DRY today that:
the Catholics are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Presbyterians are using wet-wipes,
the Atheists are giving rain checks,
and the Agnostics are attempting the wine to turn back into water!

 

How to turn water into wine (and vice versa)  a TRUE MIRACLE!

The Amphora of Heron of Alexandria, the mathematician and inventor called o mechanikós, allows to pour either water or wine from the same vessel. The amphora is divided into two compartments by a vertical partition wall, while an opening leads the liquid from each compartment to a common spout at the foot. Inside the neck there is a round wall with small holes, like a sieve; and, at the top of each half, air holes have been made near the handles. If when the spout at the bottom is shut, wine is poured into the neck of the amphora, it can only fill the half whose air hole is open. Later the other half may be filled with water, using the same procedure. When the neck has been closed, either water or wine can be poured from the same spout, if the right air hole is obstructed with a finger. So people could be served either water or wine without having to carry 2 Amphora’s. Would truly be an amazing trick if you never seen it done before…

Water to wine

… Heron appears to have been the ‘go to man’ for thaumata (θαυματα) … a.k.a miracles. Yes he made them. But what was a miracle in Greece and the Greek controlled middle east in 200 BC?

According to the etymology of the word “miracle” comes from the Greek “wonderful” and it is this which causes admiration and wonder, a temporary event and rules can not be applied generally.

Today the word is defined as a supernatural occurance attributed to God, But back in the time of Christ it was just something wonderful.

Considering the information that it was known how to ‘CONvince’ others that you could turn water into wine, what is more likely to have occurred in the bible tale ?

1. That ‘Jesus’ performed an actual miracle and changed the water into wine.

OR

2. That ‘Jesus’ used Heron’s amphora and no miracle occurred. Ahh but not in the supernatural sense but the the true sense as in something wonderful. And somebody writing about it some 400 years later translated the event as a supernatural happening.

 

Think about this…

Oddly enough allowing same sex marriage will actually help eliminate gays, by keeping their genes out of the pool.

 

Makes me laugh how Atheists ridicule Theists and Agnostics about God, and then turn around and go to the local si-fi con and rationalize ghosts and aliens… WTF?

 

Atheist on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane seeing no parents close by and turned to her and said “do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers”

The girl stopped reading her book on Agnosticism and replied to the total stranger “What do you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know.” said the Atheist “How about how there is no god, heaven, hell and no life after death” Says the Atheist as he smiles smugly.

“Ok” She says “Those can be interesting topics but first let me ask you a question. A horse a deer and a cow all eat the same stuff…grass. But when they poop deer poop out pellets, Cows poop out a flat pattie, and horses poop out egg shaped clumps… Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist surprised at the young girl’s intelligent question is taken back, thinks about it and gives the first true answer he ever gave. “I don’t know…”

The girl looks at the Atheist and says: “Do you really think you’re qualified to talk about god, heaven, hell and the afterlife when clearly by your own admission, you don’t know shit?”

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Agnostic Jokes 10

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Three women die A Christian an Atheist and an Agnostic and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says “Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly”.

 

The agnostic was asked “Who was the first man on earth?” to which she replied “I don’t know” and was allowed into heaven.

 

The Christian was asked “Who was the first woman on earth?” to which she replied “Eve” and was allowed into heaven.

 

The Atheist was asked “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” to which she replied “Ohh! That’s a hard one.”

 

Agnostic Question1

 

With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. “If you believe in me enough to give me $50,” he said, “I will grant you eternal life.”
“Sorry, I’m an atheist,” the fellow replied, “and have never believed in God.”
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. “Well, I’m an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not,” the guy said, “but here’s 50 bucks, just in case.”
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. “I’m Pat Robertson and don’t really care if you’re God or not,” he said excitedly. “Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I’ll give you $100.”

 

Agnostic Question1

 

A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
the man goes over and says “oh what cute kittens!” the boy replies “yes they are Atheist kittens“. About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says “my, those are just adorable!” the boy replies “yes, they are Agnostic kittens” the man asks “wait, weren’t they Atheist before?” the boy looks at the man and says” yeah but they have their eyes open now

 

Agnostic Question1

 

An Atheist is rowing his boat on Loch Ness when he spots the infamous huge monster moving straight at him. As Nessie towers and lunges at him, the Atheist shouts, “Please God, help me!” Time freezes. A voice from heaven asks, “Why should I help you now? You didn’t even believe in me five seconds ago.” The Atheist replies, “Hey, give me a break. Five seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!”

 

Agnostic Question1

 

A)    How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

B)    I don’t know, how many agnostics does it take?

C)    I don’t know.

 

Agnostic Question1

 

An agnostic dies and finds himself being greeted by Moses and Mohammed.

‘How is it I got here? I didn’t believe’, asks the agnostic.

‘Well’, says Moses, ‘it is not what you believe, it is how you lived. Anyway follow me’.

As they walk along Moses points out the Jews, the Muslims, and Buddhists. They came up to a wall and as the agnostic starts to ask another question, Moses whispers, ‘Quiet, on the other side are the Christians, and they don’t think anyone else is up here’..

 

Agnostic Question1

 

Christians run a restaurant called Belief. It’s a place to place an order get what you want and you always get what you pay for.

Atheists run a restaurant called Dogmatic Rhetoric. It’s a place where they decide what you want and you have two choices, take it or leave it.

Agnostic’s run a restaurant called Karma. It’s a place where there is no need to place any order. You are automatically served what you deserve.

 

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Agnostic Jokes 9

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The 10 Commandments of Logical Fallacies

1. Thou shall not attack the person’s character, but the argument. (Ad hominem)

2. Thou shall not misrepresent or exaggerate a person’s argument in order to make them easier to attack. (Straw man fallacy)

3. Thou shall not use small numbers to represent the whole. (Hasty generalization)

4. Thou shall not argue thy position by assuming one of its premises is true. (Begging the question)

5. Thou shall not claim that because something occurred before, it must be the cause. (Post Hoc/False cause)

6. Thou shall not reduce the argument down to two possibilities. (False dichotomy)

7. Thou shall not argue that because of our ignorance, claim must be true or false. (Ad ignorantium)

8. Thou shall not select only the supporting information and ignore everything that goes against the claim. (Cherry-picking)

9. Thou shall not assume “this” follows “that” when it has no logical connection. (Non sequitur)

10. Thou shall not claim that because a premise is popular, therefore it must be true.(Bandwagon fallacy)

 

Agnostic Question1

12 Signs You May Be Atheist Fundie…

1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday School. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

2. You think that the primary aim of an omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “the lack of belief in gods” and not just “belief that god does not exist”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

12. You refuse to eat at Church’s Chicken, and it’s NOT because the chicken’s too greasy.

You May Be Atheist Fundie…

 

Agnostic Question1

 

Why is it that no matter what color of pink unicorn bubble bath you use the bubbles are always clear?

Why do buffalo wings taste like chicken? What do chickens think atheist fundies taste like, eggs or eggholes?

 

Agnostic Question1

How can you rationalize a belief in the nonexistent and at the same time a non-belief in the nonexistent?

Isn’t it the same thing really? A belief in nothing VS a non-belief in nothing.

Its just an opinion on nothing with no knowledge to support your belief either way you put it….

 

Agnostic Question1

Isn’t trying to prove religion with science like washing your feet with your sox on?

What does science have to do with atheism?

What rocket scientist though that one up? Like me saying I bashed two rocks together in pond scum and failed to make life or dinosaurs so evolution and the beginning of life is false. Scientific proof of philosophy indeed.

 

Agnostic Question1

If two independent experiments failed to replicate the Abiogenesis Theory does it falsify the Theory?

In natural science, abiogenesis or biopoesis is the study of how biological life arises from inorganic matter. (Not ignorance matters, That’s an atheist fundie term)

The two independently conducted experiments one by an agnostic and the other by an atheist team both failed miserably.

The agnostic bashed two rocks together in pond scum and failed to make life or dinosaurs.

While the atheist team bashed their two rocks on bums and also failed to make life as well, although the two proud dads did think for a moment they gave birth to a baby dinosaur. But upon closer inspection they discovered it was just a haemorrhoid that had burst during the experiment. Bummer.

 

Agnostic Question1

If wishes were horses, would atheist fundies ride?

I took my atheist fundie friend horseback riding. He had a blast, until I ran out of quarters. You don’t have to be a zoologist to recognize an atheist fundie jackass 🙂

Whoever coined the phrase “quiet as an atheist fundie” Has clearly never stepped on one.

 

Agnostic Question1

Will there will come a time when an atheist fundie believe everything is finished?

When that time comes it will be the beginning of your agnostic journey. When you can finally answer the question what is the sound of one hand clapping. With a smile and show your enlightenment without breaking the silence you are trying to explain.

And know the answer to this: If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?

Then and only then will your butt release your head from bondage and set you free from Uranus to explore the universe that awaits beyond…

The Agnostologist MacNova Autodidact, Polymath and Agnostic-at-large, Koanmaster And very Zenney Guy.

 

Agnostic Question1

Is the Theory of Relativity like an agnostic with a crunchy peanut butter sandwich?

In that the hardness of crunchy peanut butter is directly proportional to the relative softness of the bread.

And wasn’t that Theory just falsified like the Big bang was a few years ago? I liked the Bouncing Universe Theory myself back then it made perfect sense too 🙂 But the New String theory is plausible.

 

Agnostic Question1

What does science have to do with Atheism?

Is Atheology and Theology branches of Physics or Chemistry do new discoveries in science prove or disprove god?

 

Agnostic Question1

Atheists don’t seem to realize theories are called theories because they are just that … A THEORY… That’s why we have LAWS. Did the flat earth Theory go away because some Atheist told everyone to prove it to him? Or was is when some agnostic came along and said”I don’t know lets see” and proved it was round? Guess that answers Rick’s question.

 

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Kinda works the same way in Law… If I say you killed somebody, I have to prove that you did it. You do not have to prove you didn’t. With Ricks statement saying he can fly. I would look at him and say moron and carry on.

An atheist has already made up their mind on god and even though they as for proof there is nothing they would accept as proof. I’m sure if I showed up at Rickys place with some dude on a donkey ans 12 followers he would call the police. and say moron and carry on …

To the Believers no proof is nessessary to the non believers none is possible and some admit they just don’t know.

Agnostic Jokes 7

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Agnostic, Christian, Atheist walking through a field come upon a farmer.

The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The Christian prays for guidance and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The Atheist looks at him and laughs. “No, the best way is a circle”. The Christian concedes and they start building the fence.

The Agnostic just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says “I declare myself to be outside”.

Agnostic Question1

An Agnostic school teacher walking with his grade 12 class in a park come upon three men he knows arguing about the existence of God.

The first man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my belief in god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument

The second man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my lack of belief in  god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right to have a lack of belief in God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.

The third man comes over and says George you are a wise man and agnostic like myself these two fools say they know if god exists or does not what do you think? George says “You are right who knows if there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.

Back at the school the students confront their teacher saying “all three of the men in the park came and asked your opinion on god and you agreed with all three why did you lie to them?” I did not lie to them says George told each in turn they were right.” “But why they cannot be all right?” Says one Student “But of course not, but you must understand, None of the three really wanted my opinion they just wanted me to agree with them.”

Agnostic Question1

Agnostic, Christian, Atheist were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, It was God no question. It says so in the bible.”

The Atheist said, “No, it was evolution. It says so in science.”

The Agnostic said, “Actually it must have been an atheist. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

Agnostic Question1

Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, an atheist boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.

“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? Because I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”

Agnostic Question1

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God smiles at the Atheist and a voice booms out again: “Okay …
.. NOW you’re screwed.”

Agnostic Question1

What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.

Agnostic Question1

A Christian, a Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”

Agnostic Question1

What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.

Agnostic Question1

An Atheist, a Theist, an Agnostic, and a Gnostic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The Gnostic chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The Atheist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The Christian chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols and allowing the bible to be written.

The Agnostic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes — so what?”
“Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. That little bottle — how does it know?”

Agnostic Question1

A Christian physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks an Atheist math professor to look at it.

A week later, the Atheist math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the Christian physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the Atheist math professor to look again.

Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Atheist math professor tells the Christian physics professor the equation does work, “But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive.”

Agnostic Question1

Atheism is Christianity without thought.
Agnostics is Christianity without purpose.

Agnostic Question1

Agnostic Jokes 4

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TRANSCENDENTAL ARGUMENT

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. If God doesn’t exist, then if reason exists, then God doesn’t exist.
  3. Reason exists.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

COSMOLOGICAL ARGUMENT

  1. If I say something doesn’t have a cause, it doesn’t have a cause.
  2. I say the universe doesn’t have a cause.
  3. Therefore, the universe doesn’t have a cause.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (I)

  1. I define God to be X.
  2. Since I cannot conceive of X, X must not exist.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (II)

  1. I can’t conceive of a perfect God.
  2. One of the qualities of perfection is existence.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

MODAL ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. God, if existing, is either necessary or unnecessary.
  3. God is not necessary, therefore God must be unnecessary.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT

  1. Check out the world/universe/giraffe. Isn’t it complex?
  2. Evolution (aka random chance) is a good enough explanation for me how they became so complex.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BEAUTY (aka TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT II)

  1. Isn’t that baby/sunset/flower/tree beautiful?
  2. Evolution (aka random chance) is a good enough explanation for me how they became so beautiful.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF MIRACLES (I)

  1. My aunt had cancer.
  2. The doctors gave her all these horrible treatments.
  3. My aunt prayed to God, but she died from her cancer anyway.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

MORAL ARGUMENT (I)

  1. Person X, a well-known theist, was morally inferior to the rest of us.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

MORAL ARGUMENT (II)

  1. In my younger days I thought I was religious.
  2. Now I’m a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, atheist jerk.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CREATION VS EVOLUTION

  1. If evolution is true, then creationism is false, and therefore God doesn’t exist.
  2. Creation can’t be true, since I lack the mental capacity to understand it and am not at all interested in studying it; moreover, to accept its truth would cause me to be uncomfortable
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF FEAR

  1. If God exists then I’m going to Hell.
  2. I’m not afraid of Hell. New Jersey is much worse.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE BIBLE

  1. [Arbitrary passage from OT]
  2. [Arbitrary passage from NT]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INTELLIGENCE

  1. Look, there’s really no point in me trying to explain the whole thing to you stupid theists — it’s too complicated for you to understand. God doesn’t exist whether you like it or not.
  2. Therefore, doesn’t God exist.

ARGUMENT FROM UNINTELLIGENCE

  1. Okay, I don’t pretend to be as intelligent as you guys — you’re obviously very well read. But I read the Skeptics Annotated Bible, and nothing you say can convince me that God exists. I don’t feel him in my heart, and you are lying when you say you can feel him and see him working in your life. John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that he sent his only begotten son into the world, that whosoever believes in him shall not perish from the earth?” That just proves what a evil, sadistic loser your God is.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF BELIEF

  1. If God exists, then I should believe in Him.
  2. I don’t believe in God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION

  1. See my fist?
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

PARENTAL ARGUMENT

  1. My mommy and daddy told me that God doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NUMBERS

  1. Millions and millions of people don’t believe in God.
  2. They can’t all be wrong, can they?
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ABSURDITY (aka THE MOST COMMON ATHEIST ARGUMENT)

  1. B—s—!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ECONOMY

  1. God doesn’t exist, you bastards!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

BOATWRIGHT’S ARGUMENT

  1. Ha ha ha.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INSANITY

  1. I forgot to take my meds.
  2. Therefore, THERE IS NO GOD!!
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM GUITAR MASTERY

  1. Some say that Eric Clapton is God, but I hate his music.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INTERNET AUTHORITY

  1. There is a website that successfully argues for the non-existence of God.
  2. Here is the URL.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INCOMPREHENSIBILITY

  1. Flabble glurk zoom boink blubba snurgleschnortz ping!
  2. No one has ever refuted 1.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM AMERICAN EVANGELISM

  1. Telling people that God exists makes some televangelists filthy rich.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PUTTING THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE

  1. The Christian God doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore, all worldviews which assume the Christian God’s existence are false and incomprehensible.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BLINDNESS (I)

  1. Christians are blind to reason, intelligence and logic.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BLINDNESS (II)

  1. God is hate.
  2. Hate isn’t blind.
  3. Ray Charles is blind.
  4. Therefore, Ray Charles isn’t God.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FALLIBILITY

  1. Human reasoning is inherently flawed.
  2. Therefore, there is no reasonable way to challenge a proposition.
  3. I propose that God doesn’t exist.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SMUGNESS

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. I don’t give a crap whether you believe it or not; I have better things to do than to try to convince you morons.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM META-SMUGNESS

  1. F— you.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MANIFESTATIONS

  1. People who see images of bearded faces or virgins in things like tortillas are fruitcakes and represent the whole of theism.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM KITCHEN APPLIANCES

  1. My toaster isn’t God.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COMPLETE DEVASTATION

  1. A plane crashed killing all 143 passengers and crew.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POSSIBLE WORLDS

  1. If things had been different, then things would be different.
  2. That would be good.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SHEER WILL

  1. I DON’T believe in God! I DON’T believe in God! I don’t I don’t I don’t I DON’T believe in God!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NONBELIEF

  1. The majority of the world’s population are nonbelievers in Christianity.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POST-DEATH EXPERIENCE

  1. Person X died an theist.
  2. He now realizes his mistake.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. If you believe in him, people will always laugh at you.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INCOHERENT BABBLE

  1. See that person spazzing on the church floor babbling incoherently?
  2. That represents theism as a whole.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE HUMAN SPIRIT

  1. The human spirit doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

DONAHUE’S ARGUMENT

  1. Check out this video segment.
  2. Now how can anyone watch that and believe in God?
  3. Is the caller there?
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ANTI-CALVINISTIC ARGUMENT

  1. If God exists, then unbelievers will be tortured forever.
  2. I don’t like that idea.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CROCKERY

  1. Pots can give orders to the potter as long as the pots think they are morally superior somehow.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PRODUCT EVOLUTION

  1. Barbie dolls evolved.
  2. If Barbie dolls evolved, then so did plants and animals.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PAROCHIALISM

  1. God is supposedly everywhere.
  2. I haven’t personally seen God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM UPPERCASE ASSERTION

  1. GOD DOESN’T EXIST! GET USED TO IT!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INFINITE REGRESS

  1. Ask theists how the universe came to be.
  2. Regardless of their answer, ask how they know this.
  3. Continue process until the theist admits he doesn’t know the answer to one of your questions.
  4. You win!
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INCREDULITY

  1. How could God exist, you bozo?
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IGNORANCE OF HISTORY

  1. The Bible is completely false.
  2. Therefore, the Bible is toilet paper.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RESURRECTION

  1. If God exists, then he would be bringing people who have been decapitated back to life.
  2. No one who has been decapitated has been brought back to life.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BIOGENESIS

  1. Where did life come from, dummy?
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM STEADFAST ATHEISM

  1. A lot of really cool people didn’t believe in God their entire lives.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LONELINESS

  1. Christians say that Jesus is their best friend.
  2. I’m lonely, but Jesus hasn’t showed up.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MONTY PYTHONISH ARGUMENTATION (aka ARGUMENT FROM CONTRADICTON aka ARGUMENT FROM THE AUTOMATIC GAINSAYING OF ANYTHING THE OTHER PERSON SAYS)

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. [Theist’s counterargument]
  3. No he doesn’t.
  4. [Theist’s counterargument]
  5. No he doesn’t!
  6. [Theist’s counterargument]
  7. NO HE DOESN’T!!!
  8. [Theist gives up and goes home]
  9. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CREATIVE INTERPRETATION

  1. Here’s what some theists said about what God is: (a) The feeling you have when you look at a newborn baby. (b) The love of a mother for her child. (c) Humankind’s potential to overcome their difficulties. (d) How I feel when I look at a sunset. (e) The taste of ice cream on a hot day.
  2. These are all silly and superficial.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INSECURITY

  1. We have gone to absolutely berserk lengths to establish that theists are laughable morons.
  2. Actually, we did so in the hopes of curing our own insecurities about atheism — but there’s no chance in hell we’ll ever admit that.
  3. Therefore, theists are laughable morons.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF SUPERIORITY

  1. If God exists, then Christians are superior beings, since they are “special” in a cosmic sense.
  2. But Christians aren’t superior. They’re the same as everyone else.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MORAL STANDARDS

  1. There are no absolute moral standards because God doesn’t exist.
  2. Theists say that there are absolute moral standards.
  3. But that’s only because they want to condemn everyone (especially atheists) but themselves as sinners.
  4. Therefore, there are no absolute moral standards.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HUMAN NECESSITY

  1. Theists say that everyone needs God.
  2. Atheists say that they don’t need God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HIDDEN LOGIC (I)

  1. Intellectually, I know that the existence of God is possible, or very probable.
  2. But I must put on the appearance of being cool and intellectual in front of my atheist peers.
  3. Therefore, I must pretend that 1 is false.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DENYING THE BODY

  1. Theists like to think that they can control their “sinful” desires.
  2. But they’re theists, so they can’t.
  3. Therefore, some theists feel the need to take no enjoyment in anything because they are always worrying about committing sin.
  4. This just goes to show how their belief in God is damaging to their lives.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HATE

  1. Some theists hate atheists and atheism.
  2. That’s because they believe in God.
  3. Pathetic, aren’t they?
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTISTS WHO ARE THEISTS

  1. A certain scientist says that God does exist.
  2. But God doesn’t exist.
  3. Therefore, he cannot be accepted as an expert on the matter, because he is wrong.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EVIL SPIRITS

  1. I’ve never had contact with evil spirits.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HIDDEN LOGIC (II)

  1. Theists say that God does exist.
  2. But they only say that because they want to look holy and righteous in front of their peers.
  3. They don’t fool me!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HOVIND’S CHALLENGE

  1. Kent Hovind offers $250,000 (which may or may not exist) to anyone who can demonstrate evolution (defined as a natural, acausal origin of the universe) to a reasonable doubt (meaning with 100% certainty, allowing for no other possibilities whatsoever) in front of a neutral committee (handpicked by Hovind himself) and according to certain criteria (carefully worded so as to rule out any possibility whatsoever of the challenge ever being met).
  2. Atheists have dismissed this challenge as false, illogical, ignorant or otherwise bogus.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INSANITY

  1. No sane person could have thought up Christianity.
  2. Therefore, it was thought up by an insane person or persons.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EXHAUSTION (abridged)

  1. Do you agree with the utterly trivial proposition X?
  2. Theist: of course.
  3. How about the slightly modified proposition X’?
  4. Theist: Um, no, not really.
  5. Good. Since we agree, how about Y? Is that true?
  6. Theist: No! And I didn’t agree with X’!
  7. With the truths of these clearly established, surely you agree that Z is true as well?
  8. Theist: No. So far I have only agreed with X! Where is this going, anyway?
  9. I’m glad we all agree…..
  10. [Atheist goes on and on and on…]
  11. So now we have used propositions X, X’, Y, Y’, Z, Z’, P, P’, Q and Q’ to arrive at the obviously valid point R. Agreed?
  12. Theist: Like I said, so far I’ve only agreed with X. Where is this going?
  13. [Atheist continues to go on and on and on…]
  14. So we now conclude from this that propositions L”, L”’ and J” are true. Agreed?
  15. I HAVEN’T AGREED WITH ANYTHING YOU’VE SAID SINCE X! WHERE IS THIS GOING!?
  16. [Still going…]
  17. …and it follows that proposition HRV, SHQ” and BTU’ are all obviously valid. Agreed?
  18. [Theist either faints from overwork or leaves in disgust]
  19. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ALT.ATHEISM ARGUMENT (aka ARGUMENT FROM GENERAL INQUIRY)

  1. Question for theist population: [apparently random question]
  2. Your answer is wrong.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PLAGERISM

  1. I have written the following to demonstrate the non-existence of God.
  2. [Insert plagerized text of someone else’s article]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM USE OF THE SMEAR CAMPAIGN

  1. When it comes to Christians, smearing their reputation is a higher calling than truth.
  2. Christians are all dirty, stinking liars.
  3. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LIMITED VOCABULARY

  1. You don’t understand all the big words I use.
  2. Therefore, I cannot possibly expect you to understand my refutation of your position.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SELECTIVE MEMORY

  1. [Atheist asks “stumper” question]
  2. [Christian answers question]
  3. [A lapse of time]
  4. [Atheist repeats question]
  5. [Christian repeats answer]
  6. [A lapse of time]
  7. [Atheist repeats question]
  8. [Christian repeats answer]
  9. [A lapse of time]
  10. Christian, you never answered my question.
  11. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE ECONOMICS

  1. Many Christian nations are poor or currently suffering poor economies.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL SANITY

  1. I’ve never had any experiences that can be explained only from the presumption that God exists.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INSTITUTIONAL LONGETIVITY

  1. Atheism has been around for a long time.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exists.

ARGUMENT FROM INEVITABILITY

  1. I have proof that God doesn’t exist.
  2. I won’t bother to tell you what it is because, being theists, you would be hostile to the conclusion anyway.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM “THE MATRIX”

  1. We cannot prove that we don’t live in a Matrix-like world.
  2. Therefore we cannot know reality.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SUBJECTIVITY

  1. Everything is subjective.
  2. No subjective proof can be superior to any other subjective proof.
  3. Based upon my subjective opinion, your opinion, that nothing is subjective then, perforce, God isn’t subjective, is false.
  4. Therefore, God (objectively) doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POSTMODERNISM

  1. I’m going to prove to you that God doesn’t exist.
  2. [Insert any of the other arguments on this page in here]
  3. [Theist refutes argument]
  4. I cannot disprove God anymore than anyone of us can disprove we really exist in a tangible world.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exists.

META-DISPROOF

  1. This is a disproof of God’s existence.
  2. If the reader finishes reading this disproof, the non-existence of God will be proven to him/her.
  3. If the non-existence of God is proven, then God doesn’t exist.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

DISPROOF BY ANECDOTE

  1. Those who believe in God say they can see Him.
  2. If God exists, then He must be seen by everyone.
  3. I haven’t seen God.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BIBLICAL HISTORY

  1. Some modern historians think that there probably wasn’t somebody named Jesus, maybe.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DEMONS

  1. Some people say that demons were tap-dancing on their roof one day and that prayer made them go away.
  2. Therefore, these people are insane.
  3. Also, God doesn’t exist.

SAM GIBSON’S… ER… CYGNUS’ ARGUMENT (aka ARGUMENT FROM PI)

  1. This verse from the Bible proves that God says pi = 3.
  2. I asked some online math experts about this, but they didn’t support me.
  3. So I twisted their responses to make it appear that they supported me.
  4. Then I made sure to kick people out of my forums and threatened to post their personal information because they tried to show everyone that the math experts didn’t support me, but I said it’s because they didn’t stop using my real name (even though it’s found about a dozen times on my website).
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MULTIPLICITY

  1. I have a large number of arguments against God.
  2. One of them is probably true.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FORTUITOUS COINCIDENCE

  1. Theists often show the astronomical odds of something happening.
  2. I claim that their odds are false and misrepresentative, and also make reference to the Many Worlds Theory, which I completely believe in even though there is no physical evidence for it nor will evidence ever be found.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DAVID BLAINE

  1. If David Blaine does real magic, then God doesn’t exist.
  2. It looked real on his TV special.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MYSTERIOUS USE OF PREPOSITIONS

  1. It is impossible to prove God with your puny theist intellect.
  2. I’ll take that puzzled look on your face as proof that I am right.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TEEN ATHEISM MOVEMENT

  1. Theism totally sucks, dude, and if you would pretend that Marilyn Manson is a good band, you would realize that.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SPEAKING IN TOUNGES

  1. Some theists who I see as representing the whole of theism spontaneously speak some jibberish that they claim is some foreign language or another.
  2. But no one can understand what they are saying.
  3. The only explanation is that they are full of it.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EUROPEAN HISTORY

  1. Many prominent thinkers in pre-modern Europe didn’t believe in God.
  2. Let’s just forget about those who did.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN

  1. If there is a designer, then God must exist.
  2. If I find a watch in a forest, there must be a designer.
  3. [Atheist ignores the watch in forest]
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM (GENERAL) OFFENSE

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. [Theist makes counterarguments]
  3. You know what? I am offended.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM OFFENSE TO PRAYER

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. [Theist makes counterarguments and prays for atheist]
  3. Take your prayers and shove ‘em where the sun don’t shine.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM AGNOSTICISM

  1. I don’t know and you don’t know either.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist

ARGUMENT FROM LOVE

  1. Have you ever fallen in love?
  2. [Theist answers, “of course!!”]
  3. So what is the cause of love? Evolution is a good enough explanation for me and love is nothing but a chemical reaction in the brain, so it cannot have anything to do with God?
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IDENTITY (aka PC ARGUMENT)

  1. Not believing in God is a central part of my identity.
  2. You don’t mean to deny my identity do you?
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FORMATTING

  1. Behold, foolish theists, I present you with an incontrovertible proof of the non-existence of God.
  2. [Atheist posts 10,000 word document without a single paragraph break]
  3. [Theists’ eyes implode]
  4. I see that nobody can refute 2.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NON-CONFRONTATION

  1. I am not here to argue with you theists.
  2. But come on, God obviously doesn’t exist.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EXODUS

  1. If the Exodus story has any basis in historical fact, then God exists.
  2. I haven’t seen or accepted any evidence that it is.
  3. This means the Exodus story is false.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MARTYRDOM

  1. The apostles definitely would have willingly died for something they knew wasn’t true because they were trying to overthrow governments and gain power.
  2. There are martyrs outside Christendom who did the same thing.
  3. Obviously those examples prove Christian martyrdom was about gaining power.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TINKERBELL

  1. I really want God to be fake.
  2. If you wish for something really hard, it’ll come true.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF PROOF

  1. You can’t prove God exists!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ANECDOTAL EXPERIENCE (I)

  1. I once experienced something I can’t explain.
  2. I can come up with several possible, natural explanations which do not fit the facts, but make me feel comfortable.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ANECDOTAL EXPERIENCE (II)

  1. I have never experienced feelings of God’s presence in my mind.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NEUROSCIENCE

  1. Scientists say a portion of our brain may be responsible for mystical experiences.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EYEWITNESS (I)

  1. You weren’t there to witness the Creation/the Flood/the Exodus/the Crucifixion/the Resurrection/etc.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EYEWITNESS (II) (sometimes follows or combined with the previous disproof)

  1. Someone wrote the Creation story in the Bible.
  2. That someone obviously wasn’t an eyewitness to the described events because they are completely unbelievable (and I think there are two very different Creation accounts in Genesis 1 and 2).
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EYEWITNESS (III)

  1. No one’s ever seen God.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HALF A WING

  1. Half of a wing may be useless, but that just means evolution is real and was working properly!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PREFERRED ANCESTRY

  1. I don’t want to be created by God.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FOOLISHNESS

  1. The bible says atheists are fools.
  2. I don’t like being called names.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FARRELL TILL

  1. Farrell Till says God does not exist.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FARRELL TILL (II)

  1. If God exists, he would strike Farrell Till dead.
  2. Farrell Till is still alive.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PIG’S TEETH

  1. Some scientists once thought a tooth was from an “ape-man.”
  2. Later scientists discovered it was a pig’s tooth.
  3. That’s how science works and it doesn’t disprove the evolution of man from “ape-men.”
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION

  1. Someone made fun of my atheism.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM JESUS SAID STUFF

  1. Jesus said some stuff.
  2. I think that a lot of the stuff he said was horrible and unloving.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PERCEIVED LACK OF DIFFERENCES

  1. I say that the Christian God isn’t any different than the gods of other religions.
  2. Therefore, the Christian God doesn’t exist.

THE ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN IMMORALITY (although it could probably be adapted to just about any belief or non-belief)

  1. Somewhere, someone who called himself or herself a Christian did something evil.
  2. This person was probably not lying.
  3. Therefore, this person was a Christian.
  4. Therefore, Christians do evil things.
  5. Therefore, Christians are not moral.
  6. Christians believe in the Bible.
  7. Therefore, the Bible is not moral.
  8. The Bible is God’s word. It says so.
  9. Therefore, God is not moral.
  10. (We are just ignoring all the nice things that Christians have done in the past and present, it’s hard to trust history and the news anyway.)
  11. An immoral God would be really evil.
  12. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

THE ARGUMENT FROM CRAZINESS

  1. I would have to go crazy to believe in God.
  2. I am not crazy.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist

ARGUMENT FROM CHOCOLATE

  1. Some shallow theists say that chocolate is God’s gift to humanity.
  2. I hate chocolate.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (II)

  1. Jesus said that people would persecute Christians.
  2. I say they aren’t and never have been.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WWJD

  1. Some Christians have the “What Would Jesus Do?” T-shirt, bracelet, baseball hat, and shoelaces.
  2. Some don’t wear them in public.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSECUTION (III)

  1. You theists are mean!
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INTEREST

  1. If God really does exist then theists wouldn’t have to spend so much time talking about him.
  2. Theists constantly talk about God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RELIABLE SENSES

  1. You assume that your senses are reliable even though you can’t prove it.
  2. That means I get to assume anything I want.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INTELLECTUAL SUPERIORITY

  1. [Atheist posts argument]
  2. [Christian refutes argument]
  3. Christian, you obviously didn’t understand my argument.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CATCH-PHRASE

  1. There are no atheists in foxholes.
  2. [Atheist points out atheists who claim to have been atheists while in foxholes]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exists.

ARGUMENT FROM ARBITRARY IMPROBABILITY

  1. We shouldn’t believe what probably isn’t true.
  2. I have arbitrarily assigned the proposition “God exists” a probability of 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001%.
  3. That probability came from my rear end, which I know assigns extremely accurate probabilities to propositions concerning the non-existence of God.
  4. So God probably doesn’t exists.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FREE GIFT

  1. If some guy came up to you on the street and offered you a billion dollars for nothing in return, would you take the money or deny his existence?
  2. (This is an extremely poor analogy of Christ, but we’ll ignore that point.)
  3. No one has ever offered me a billion dollars.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CHARITY

  1. Atheists don’t build hospitals.
  2. [Atheist points out Bill Gates and Ted Turner, who donate millions of dollars to charity]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SERIOUS ASSERTION

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. No, seriously.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POSITIVE OUTCOME

  1. Even if God did exist, it would be better if people believed He didn’t.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF PHYSICAL EVIDENCE

  1. I believe that if God exists, there will be physical evidence for his existence.
  2. There is no physical evidence for the existence of God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF EVIDENCE (II)

  1. God, if you exist, you’ll give me a million dollars, a Playstation 2 with all the games, and a girlfriend.
  2. [Nothing happens]
  3. [Atheist waits and might even repeat demand]
  4. [Nothing happens]
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IDIOCY

  1. I am an idiot.
  2. Even an idiot can see that God doesn’t exist.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (I)

  1. Terrorists destroyed the WTC, killing thousands.
  2. One piece of the rubble sort of looks like a cross.
  3. God obviously was more interested in making this cross than saving lives.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (II)

  1. A plane was hijacked by terrorists.
  2. The passengers prayed and attacked the terrorists.
  3. The plane crashed into a field, killing all aboard.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TERRORISM (III)

  1. September 11th was really, really bad.
  2. We have bad things happen to us all the time.
  3. Therefore, September 11th wasn’t a punishment for something we did.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MASS MURDER

  1. Stalin was an atheist.
  2. He murdered millions of people.
  3. I say that his murderousness didn’t stem from atheism.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TORNADOS

  1. A large tornado hit Anytown, USA.
  2. The tornado destroyed churches.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SPAGHETTI

  1. A few people saw something weird in a bowl of spaghetti.
  2. Some Catholics believe that it is the Virgin Mary.
  3. They’re obviously kooks.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MONEY

  1. All U.S. currency contains the motto “In God We Trust.”
  2. This was obviously done to force people to believe in theism.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE

  1. The Pledge clearly states that America is “one nation, under God.”
  2. This was obviously done to force people to believe in theism.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE FOUNDING FATHERS (I)

  1. A very small number of America’s Founding Fathers wrote critically about Christianity and the Bible.
  2. These Founding Fathers were really, really smart.
  3. Accordingly, Christianity and the Bible must be false.
  4. Christianity and the Bible say that God exists.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE FOUNDING FATHERS (II)

  1. The Declaration of Independence includes the words “God” and “Creator”.
  2. This was written by a deist who didn’t believe in the Christian God!
  3. Therefore this isn’t a Christian Nation.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PAGAN EGYPT

  1. When the Jews came to Egypt (not that I believe they do, since the Bible is false and there is no evidence they ever did), it was a pagan nation, ruled by a pagan Pharoah.
  2. If God really existed, the Jews would have been able to convert the entire country (except that they were never there to begin with).
  3. The Jews obviously weren’t able to change anything because Egypt remained a pagan nation with a pagan ruler after the Exodus (which never happened).
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM STORY PLOTS

  1. The bible has lots of books written by lots of authors over a long period of time.
  2. Despite centuries of vigorous apologetics, theists haven’t been able to forge a coherent plot for the whole bible that I can understand.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LIKE OTHER RELIGIONS (I) (aka ARGUMENT FROM COPYCATTING aka ARGUMENT FROM STRETCHING THE TRUTH TO THE LIMIT)

  1. The Bible said Jesus was born of a virgin, died for our sins and is the light of the world.
  2. [Atheist takes primary figures from some other religions, stretches the truth, and makes them fit what the Bible says about Jesus.]
  3. Therefore, the Christian God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LIKE OTHER RELIGIONS (II) (aka ARGUMENT FROM COPYCATTING II aka ARGUMENT FROM STRETCHING THE TRUTH TO THE LIMIT II)

  1. The Bible said Jesus rose from the dead.
  2. [Atheist takes primary figures from some other religions, stretches the truth, and makes them fit what the Bible says about Jesus.]
  3. Therefore, the Christian God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BRUTE FORCE

  1. [Atheist tears Jesus Fish off car, breaks it in thirds, sticks it to driver’s side window.]
  2. Therefore, Creationism is wrong.
  3. Therefore, the theory of evolution is right.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EXODUS (II)

  1. There is little archaeological evidence for the events in Exodus.
  2. There is little archaeological evidence for a lot of ancient people, places and events, yet they are still accepted as fact.
  3. But I can’t believe the Exodus actually happened.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BIBLICAL PROPHECY

  1. The book of Daniel made some prophecies.
  2. The prophecy was later fulfilled by other records in the Book of Daniel.
  3. The prophecy obviously was written after the fact!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SHAME

  1. The Bible showed a group of people performing embarassing actions.
  2. It must be false if the book describes negative events because God would never let people he favors do those things.
  3. The Bible isn’t describing historical events.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EQUAL VALUE (aka PC ARGUMENT II)

  1. Evolution and the scientific worldview is a worldview. Similarly, the biblical worldview is a worldview.
  2. You are not discriminating against our worldview are you?
  3. The scientific worldview is as good as the biblical worldview.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MODERATION (often employed by liberals)

  1. The Creationist side occupies an extreme side of the spectrum.
  2. Similarly, the atheist side occupies another extreme side of the spectrum.
  3. The liberals are in between.
  4. Therefore, the liberal position on God is the most correct.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM JACK CHICK

  1. I have all these stupid Jesus comics.
  2. Those comics sure didn’t convince me!
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EVIDENTIAL ASSERTION

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore all physical evidence (fossil record, etc.) must show this.
  3. Therefore it does.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MEANNESS

  1. If God did exist, it would be mean of him to make me believe he didn’t!
  2. The Bible portrays God as mean.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WE ALL HAVE FAITH

  1. We all believe things.
  2. But belief isn’t faith.
  3. My belief that the sun will rise tomorrow morning is very different from your faith in the existence of God.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COOLNESS

  1. I’m really cool.
  2. Cool people don’t believe in God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WTC (II)

  1. Terrorists destroyed the WTC, killing thousands.
  2. An intact Bible was found in the ruins.
  3. No, wait, it turns out it was a dictionary.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COLLEGE FUNDING (usable by parents only)

  1. You don’t believe in God.
  2. If I ever find out that you do believe in God, you won’t get any money for college!
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SNOWFLAKES

  1. If God existed, he could make all snowflakes the same.
  2. Out of 3,300 pictures of snow-crystals catalogued, no two are exactly alike.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CUSTODY

  1. I have legal custody of our son.
  2. If you act as though the Christian God exists, then I won’t let you see him.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FIDEISM

  1. Theists are absolutely right. There is no logical reason to disbelieve God exists.
  2. But disbelief makes me feel good.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ENERGY

  1. Things that exist have energy.
  2. Energy isn’t alive.
  3. All living things are made from energy.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM A BAD TRIP

  1. I went to a party and took LSD.
  2. I saw demons attacking me.
  3. Then Jesus came and drove the demons away.
  4. All religious experiences are obviously drug-induced hallucinations.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM STUPIDITY

  1. I am stupid.
  2. God made man in his own image.
  3. There are all horrible disasters going around the world.
  4. God is omnipotent in power.
  5. God is too stupid to do anything about these things.
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM STAR TREK

  1. Christianity is Borg.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PRAYER

  1. When I used to pray, I never got what I wanted (like a million dollars, a Playstation 2 with all the games, and a girlfriend).
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DEMOCRACY

  1. God would never allow a non-Christian to become president.
  2. There have been non-Christian presidents.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HELL

  1. If I don’t believe God exists, I’ll go to Hell.
  2. I can’t comprehend that a loving God would send people to Hell.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MOUNTAINS

  1. People used to think gods lived on Mt. Olympus.
  2. We’ve climbed Mt. Olympus and there were no gods there.
  3. Therefore, all gods are false.
  4. Therefore, the Christian God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FUZZY ANIMALS (aka TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT III)

  1. Bunnies are cute.
  2. Perceiving cuteness is an evolutionary advantage.
  3. Therefore, cuteness must have evolved.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POLITICS

  1. The vast majority of the people believe in God.
  2. I’ll get elected if I pretend to believe in God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PRESIDENTIAL INFIDELITY

  1. If God exists and he blesses America, we’d always have moral presidents.
  2. Clinton lied about a lot of things, including not having sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RAIN

  1. I was driving home when it started to rain really hard outside.
  2. I pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the rain to let up, which it did without the need for prayer.
  3. I arrived home safely.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COMPUTERS

  1. I deleted a copy of the TEN COMMANDMENTS from my computer.
  2. If God existed, he wouldn’t have allowed this to happen.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INVISIBILITY

  1. I can’t see God.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RAIN (II) (aka ARGUMENT FROM PRAYER II)

  1. I wanted it to be a sunny day.
  2. I prayed it wouldn’t rain.
  3. We had two thunderstorms.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DEGREES

  1. I Have a philosophy degree.
  2. Your knowledge in philosophy is paltry in comparison to mine.
  3. Therefore you are unable to comprehend my intense philosophical proofs proving God’s non-existence.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ARBITRARY UNNECESSITY

  1. I created the term “arbitrary unnecessity”.
  2. It is a golden principle and applies to whatever I say it does.
  3. I say an eternal universe is an arbitrary unnecessity.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BEER (I)

  1. “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Ben Franklin
  2. American beer is swill.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BEER (II)

  1. Christian: Whatever you believe in is your god.
  2. Atheist: I believe I’ll have another beer.
  3. Ha ha.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MONKEYS

  1. If man came from monkeys, there’d still be monkeys.
  2. There are still monkeys.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THOMAS PAINE

  1. Thomas Paine had a lot of good arguments against Christianity… at least that’s what all my atheist friends tell me…
  2. Thomas Paine was a great early American, too!
  3. So anything he said must be right!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NON-DESTRUCTION OF EVIL

  1. I woke up this morning and found that evil still exists.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DEAD FIREFIGHTERS

  1. Some atheist firefighters gave their lives.
  2. For people they didn’t even know!
  3. Yes, they were TOO atheists!
  4. I just know!
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TODD BEAMER

  1. Todd Beamer prayed “Our Father” with a switchboard operator after his flight was hijacked.
  2. Todd Beamer died.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FALWELL

  1. Jerry Falwell said some really stupid things after September 11th.
  2. Then he apologized!
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTISTS

  1. Some famous scientists didn’t and don’t believe in God.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FLOWERS

  1. That flower is pretty.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NON-INSTRUMENTATION

  1. You are an theist.
  2. You did something bad.
  3. You are obviously not an instrument of God.
  4. God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM QUANTUM PHYSICS

  1. Quantum physics uses an uncertainty principle.
  2. But there is no room for God in science.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THERMODYNAMICS

  1. The Second Law of Thermodynamics says that a closed system tends to disorder.
  2. The universe is ordered.
  3. It did this by itself without any intervention by a higher power (like how a jar of oil, water and sand will “order itself”).
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SONGS

  1. The song “Dear God” by XTC has the line “If there’s one thing I don’t believe in… It’s you, dear God..”
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM APOLOGETICS WEBPAGES

  1. I was surfing the Net and came across this webpage of apologetics.
  2. Their arguments were stupid. A monkey could refute them.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF COMFORT

  1. All kinds of people have found no comfort in religion.
  2. That means there isn’t anything there to give comfort to them.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ACTIVISM

  1. Atheism is affirming this country’s secular roots!
  2. We are atheists!
  3. We will make a big stink about this, and not let theists win!
  4. We will win because we are right!
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EXISTENTIALISIC LONELINESS

  1. This is all there is to existence.
  2. It’s horrible, pointless, brutal and nasty.
  3. It’s depressing.
  4. I’m lonely.
  5. There is nothing else out there.
  6. I mean it, there just can’t be.
  7. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE OUT THERE!
  8. AGGGRRG!!! THERE JUST CAN’T BE!!!!
  9. God! He can’t be out there for me.
  10. I’m still so lonely!
  11. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SINS I LIKE

  1. I like X.
  2. This isn’t just my opinion.
  3. It is backed up with facts.
  4. It has nothing to do with morals, but facts.
  5. Christians say X is a sin.
  6. But for a sin to exist and Christians to be right, God must exist.
  7. I don’t believe X is a sin.
  8. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ATHEIST SOLIPSISM

  1. Everything but God is real.
  2. See #1.

ARGUMENT FROM THE THRONE ROOM

  1. Yes, I would stand in the presence of a mighty king and demand that he prove he exists.
  2. I don’t care if you believe that’s what I’m doing with God, you arrogant jerks.
  3. I don’t CARE!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF IMAGINATION

  1. I couldn’t imagine believing in God.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WOW

  1. When I look into the sky and see all the pretty stars, all those galaxies…
  2. Wow.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM KINDLY PSYCHOANALYSIS

  1. You say there’s a God? Ah, someone calling himself an atheist must have really hurt you in the past
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN EXPERTS ARE IGNORED

  1. Dembski, Behe and Plantinga are ignored by mainstream intellectuals.
  2. Their work and opinions don’t prove God exists.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTIAN EXPERTS ARE NOT IGNORED

  1. Mainstream intellectuals are paying some attention to Dembski, Behe and Plantinga.
  2. Their work and opinions don’t prove God exists.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COUNTERFACTUAL EVIDENCE

  1. Christians claim the evidence for Jesus’ divinity is abundant.
  2. But even if there were lots of evidence, I would still not be convinced.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF MIRACLES (II)

  1. Christians say that atheists wouldn’t believe in God even if He showed up and performed a miracle for them.
  2. Can you tell me why God doesn’t perform miracles for atheists?
  3. No?
  4. Then you must be an idiot, because God could do that for them.
  5. But no miracles happen.
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WIND

  1. You believe in wind.
  2. But you can’t see it.
  3. But God isn’t the same way.
  4. I can see the effects of the wind, but not the effects of God.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WARREN ROBINETT

  1. There’s a secret message in the old Atari video game “Adventure.”
  2. It reveals that the game was created by Warren Robinett.
  3. But it’s not the same way with the world.
  4. There are no secret messages from God.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM OFFENSIVENESS

  1. You keep making statements that I think are generalizations, hypocritical, and bigoted.
  2. I will only agree to stay if you stop that.
  3. [Theist tries to be non-offensive]
  4. You’re still offending me because of [insert random statement here].
  5. [Theist rereads her posts before posting, posting when she thinks she is not being offensive].
  6. I’m offended!
  7. [Theist tears her hair out trying to figure out how to be non-offensive]
  8. This conversation is just the two of us. I think we should stop this conversation.
  9. [Theist figures ‘Forget it’ and posts what she really thinks]
  10. WOW! WHAT A BIGOT! I’m leaving!
  11. I have a victory.
  12. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MULTIPLICITY (II)

  1. I have a large number of arguments against God.
  2. There is a small chance that each of them is true.
  3. Using voodoo probability calculations, this means that there is a much greater chance that all of them are true taken together!
  4. And this ISN’T just the mathematical version of the Ontological Proof, I’m a real mathematician and you obviously can’t understand this proof because you don’t know as much about math as me.
  5. Oh, and don’t confuse things by mentioning how many theistic arguments there are, and the probability of each of them being correct…
  6. Or the fact that I basically pulled the probability of each of my arguments being correct out of my rear end…
  7. And admit that I know more about math than you, and you’ll see that…
  8. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCES

  1. One time, I was in deep emotional pain.
  2. I prayed to God and nothing happened.
  3. You aren’t going to deny my emotional pain, are you?
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ABUSING THE BODY

  1. One time, I fasted for three days straight, prayed on my knees for hours, and didn’t sleep, either.
  2. At the end of that time, God never answered me.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ECSTASY

  1. I woke up last night with a feeling of indescribable pleasure and joy.
  2. It was most likely sexual.
  3. So the ecstasy couldn’t have come from God because God hates sex.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FORMALIZED PANHANDLING

  1. I don’t want to work for a living.
  2. I don’t want to pay taxes.
  3. I can get gullible fundamentalist atheists to send me money.
  4. I can use exemption claims to tie the IRS up in court.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist!

ARGUMENT FROM NOT FEELING LOVE ALL AROUND

  1. I don’t feel love all around me. I know the world is a cruel place, that people are uncaring, and that that comes from evolved human behavior.
  2. I don’t know how I know. It’s not backed up by anything. It’s just there.
  3. I don’t know how I know. Stop pestering me!
  4. [Cries until theist goes away]
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MUSIC (could also be used for art)

  1. I like classical music.
  2. Classical composers said they wrote for God.
  3. But they had to compose for the Church or they would have been executed.
  4. So they weren’t actually writing for God.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SADISM (I)

  1. Some people claiming to be Christians enjoy beating children.
  2. They claim that there is some justification for it in the Bible.
  3. I believe them.
  4. I claim that they represent the whole of Christianity.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SADISM (II)

  1. Some claiming to be Christians enjoy treating women like dirt. It makes them feel powerful.
  2. They claim that there is some justification for it in the Bible.
  3. I believe them.
  4. I claim that they represent the whole of Christianity.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE BIBLE (II)

  1. The Bible says the Bible is true.
  2. This is a circular argument.
  3. Therefore the Bible is false.
  4. The Bible says God exists.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

  1. We should give people the benefit of the doubt.
  2. When someone says God doesn’t exist, we should believe them.
  3. A lot of people say God doesn’t exist.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ANTI-PASCAL’S ARGUMENT

  1. If God exists, it would really suck.
  2. If God didn’t exist, it would be really cool.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

THE BIBLICAL ALTERATION ARGUMENT

  1. The Bible has been deliberately changed since it was written.
  2. Therefore everything in it must be false.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

BIBLICAL PROPHECIES ARGUMENT

  1. Jesus clearly did not fulfill all the prophecies of the Jews.
  2. That’s why there are still Jews today.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

THE LACK OF STEWARDSHIP ARGUMENT (aka THE ENVIRONMENTALIST’S ARGUMENT)

  1. The Bible says that God gave us the earth to take care of it.
  2. We don’t take care of it.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE 2nd LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS

  1. All systems become chaotic.
  2. The Universe, too, will become chaotic.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IPUs

  1. Invisible pink unicorns don’t exist.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE MEANING OF LIFE

  1. What’s the meaning of life?
  2. [Theist gives their answer]
  3. That’s not what I believe.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LOGIC

  1. There are some things in logic that you can’t logically demonstrate.
  2. Therefore you have to take them on faith.
  3. But faith in logic is not the same as faith in God.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM VENUS

  1. If you twist the details enough, you can make a case for Venus, as a comet, causing the Biblical catastrophes.
  2. Therefore the Bible is false.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CAN’T-BE-A-RACIST

  1. Hubert Henry Harrison, A. Philip Randolph, J. A. Rogers, George S. Schuyler, John G. Jackson, John Henrik Clarke, Yosef ben-Jochannan, Bobby E. Wright, John Ragland, James Forman, Deborah Clark, James Baldwin, W. E. B. DuBois, Richard Wright, and Gregory Gross are all famous black people who didn’t believe in God.
  2. I don’t think you want to say black people are fools?
  3. That’s what I thought.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM JESUS’ TORTURE (aka ARGUMENT FROM SUFFERING)

  1. Christians say that no one ever, ever suffered as much as Jesus did on the cross.
  2. But what about victims of the Inquisition?
  3. What about the women burned at the stake or hanged as witches?
  4. What about all the people who died thinking they were going to Hell?
  5. If God were all good, He wouldn’t let anyone suffer like that.
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SEVERABILITY

  1. Lots of ridiculous statements are made by people who claim to be Real Christians.
  2. They just give Real Christians a bad name.
  3. Real Christians don’t believe the Bible is literally true.
  4. That means the Bible isn’t true.
  5. And the Bible isn’t the Word of God.
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BECAUSE

  1. Because.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ELABORATED ARGUMENT FROM BECAUSE

  1. Because.
  2. Because why?
  3. Because!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM “LET’S JUST NOT BELIEVE”

  1. All belief systems should be treated the same as the scientific one.
  2. [Theist: Why?]
  3. Because they have their own grounds.
  4. Anyway, that’s my experience of how the world works.
  5. [Theist: It’s not mine. And why should you treat claims of UFOs and aliens more seriously than claims of God’s existence?]
  6. I believe there are UFOs and aliens.
  7. But I don’t believe in God.
  8. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM UNIQUE EXISTENCE

  1. God may exist, but not in a way that anything else that exists exists.
  2. Since there are no other things that exist as God may exist, we are free to make up things about God’s state of existence that ensure his continued non-observability
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NEGATIVE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE

  1. More people have had negative religious experiences in the context of Western theism.
  2. Therefore, God is cruel, unjust and unloving.
  3. [Theist: What about the people who have had positive experiences? Or experiences of God’s existence?]
  4. They don’t count.
  5. Therefore, God is just the way I describe Him to be.
  6. Oh, yeah. And God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RIGHTS

  1. The Constitution is the the basis of U.S. law.
  2. Therefore, the Declaration of Independence is meaningless.
  3. The Constitution created our rights.
  4. The DoI is wrong in saying that our rights come from God.
  5. You have rights, don’t you?
  6. Well where do you think they came from?
  7. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FUTURE EVIDENCE

  1. It doesn’t seem to make sense that there would logically be a God.
  2. I know He’s not real, and that in the future I think that maybe something will happen probably that will show you all that He isn’t.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POSTULATE

  1. To fully understand the following demonstration, you must first assume that God doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM POOR TYPING SKILLS

  1. In tihs essae ill demnstrate that gOd deosnt exsits in a way tat’s so sure thatno thesit can PSOosibly reftue. J will firts dwmonsrtate waht we canaSSUme fo rGod nonexisnce,,then how wwe can refute anya rgument wihch pretends teh contrrary to eb true,tehn wel’l expose scinetific evidnece thatGod dosen’t eeexists then we’ll cnolcude. yOU will fnid an acurate&up6to6date bibliography no teh page 43 of tihs essay;i Sugegst yu to pritn iths doculent for a mroe confortable raeding.
  2. [Theist doesn’t bother to read it]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM UNTRANSLATED OLD NON-ENGLISH LANGUAGE

  1. [Atheist quotes paragraph from a historic European non-believer in that person’s original language and does not bother to provide a translation]
  2. How could you possibly refute that?
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CLEVER USE OF VOCABULARY

  1. Many theists will not be convinced by an argument with “Therefore, God doesn’t exist” as its conclusion.
  2. Consequently, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IGNORANCE

  1. I don’t understand Creationism; I mean how could God create the universe?
  2. (Well informed theist gives articulate explanation of Creationism and gently explains that evolution is a crock.)
  3. Well it seems way too complicated and unlikely to me. Plus I don’t want to live my life thinking I was created by some imaginary sky-daddy.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist and Jesus is a myth.
  5. (Theist argues that atheist’s ignorance of Creationism does not logically lead to the conclusion that there is no God.)
  6. Says you! Get bent.
  7. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CHURCH

  1. Lots of people don’t go to church.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PHOTO-OP (ARGUMENT FROM THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE II)

  1. A couple of federal judges ruled in 2002 that the Pledge was unconstitutional because it states “one nation, under God.
  2. Almost immediately thereafter, the whole U.S. Senate recited the Pledge, including “under God,” in the Capitol.
  3. The Senators’ conduct was just a bunch of political posturing and/or vote whoring.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DEFENESTRATION

  1. If God exists, then He’d protect you if I pushed you out this third story window.
  2. [Christian tries to explain the fallacy of that position]
  3. *shove*
  4. See! God didn’t protect you, just like I predicted! Any counterarguments, Christian?
  5. No?
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MUSHROOMS

  1. This pizza tastes funny.
  2. That purple llama on the ceiling is juggling chainsaws.
  3. Purple llamas can’t juggle chainsaws.
  4. It must be evolution!
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MYTHOLOGY (aka ARGUMENT FROM COPYCATTING III)

  1. The Old Religions were the source of stories in the Bible.
  2. The Old Religions were all false.
  3. Therefore, I must be right.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ACCUSATION

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore, YOU know that God doesn’t exist.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NOT-BELIEVING

  1. The New Testament says unbelievers would question Christians.
  2. Hardly any do.
  3. Therefore the bible is false.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BANANAS

  1. Bananas have many characteristics that make them attractive as primate food.
  2. They’re so good that they must have evolved along with primates.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM METEORS (aka ARGUMENT FROM FALWELL)

  1. I think that Jerry Falwell believes that God hates gay people (though he has said otherwise, but he is lying).
  2. God listens to everything Jerry Falwell says.
  3. Disney World held a Gay Day parade.
  4. God could punish Disney World by sending hurricanes, earthquakes, and possibly a meteor to Florida.
  5. God didn’t, thus disproving both postulate 1 and 2.
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COAL MINERS

  1. A bunch of miners got trapped.
  2. A bunch of people worked around the clock for a week to rescue them.
  3. If God existed, He could have just teleported them out of the mine.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TEENAGE ATHEIST SKATEBOARD RATS

  1. God is bogus!
  2. Like, totally, dude!
  3. Therefore, God, like, doesn’t exist and stuff.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL INABILITY

  1. The Bible says believers will be able to perform miracles greater than Jesus.
  2. Can you at least turn water into wine or, better yet, beer?
  3. No? Well there ya go.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PERSONAL ABILITY

  1. I lifted a car off my trapped puppy.
  2. I did that without God.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE OPPOSITION

  1. Satan is good.
  2. I’d rather be on Satan’s side. At least I will be able to drink myself into a stupor, smoke pot, gamble, watch porn, swear, have promiscuous sex, etc.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE OPPOSITION AS USED BY A TEENAGE ATHEIST SKATEBOARD RATS

  1. Satan is really cool, dude.
  2. You really wanna, like, be like Satan, right dude?
  3. Therefore God, like, doesn’t exist and stuff. Totally.

ARGUMENT FROM BUFFALO (aka TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT IV)

  1. The Indians used every part of the buffalo.
  2. Creation is insufficient to explain why they could do this.
  3. It had to have evolved!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DENTAL OPPORTUNITY

  1. Bite me.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exists.

ARGUMENT FROM DENTAL OPPORTUNITY, ACCEPTED

  1. Bite me.
  2. OW! YOU BIT ME!
  3. I’m being persecuted!!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist!

ARGUMENT FROM NEW AGEYNESS

  1. If enough people just don’t believe, God won’t exist.
  2. Lots of people have been unbelieving for a very long time.
  3. Therefore, surely by NOW, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ROUNDNESS (aka TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT V)

  1. Isn’t it amazing how perfectly round the planets are?
  2. Gravity made this happen.
  3. [Theist: Yes, and?]
  4. Gravity, not God.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist!

ARGUMENT FROM HIDDEN FAITH

  1. The sun will rise tomorrow.
  2. I have no doubt about it.
  3. No, I can’t prove it.
  4. It just will.
  5. Faith? No. I have science, so I don’t need faith.
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IMPLIED UGLINESS (aka TELEOLOGICAL ARGUMENT VI)

  1. If you were created by God, you’d be beautiful.
  2. But look how ugly you are, and the world that is around you.
  3. God would have never made you or the world so ugly.
  4. I don’t care if ugliness is totally subjective!
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BRAINWASHING

  1. Christians claim that we have been brainwashed by secular colleges & universities in their futile thinking, and by secular reasoning.
  2. We can just as easily say that Christians have been brainwashed by churches and the clergy.
  3. Their brainwashing keeps them from the truth, rationality and freethought.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COMMUNISM

  1. All communists weren’t bad. Haven’t you read history?
  2. All communists were atheists.
  3. Therefore they were right.
  4. Since atheists are more moral than Christians, they are good.
  5. Therefore they are right.
  6. This argument does so make sense!
  7. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM GOOD AND BAD BEHAVIOR

  1. Sometimes I do good things and sometimes I do bad things.
  2. When I do something good, it is because I choose to.
  3. God has nothing to do with it.
  4. When I do something bad, it is because I choose to.
  5. The Devil has nothing to do with it.
  6. Whatever I do, it proves that neither God nor the Devil is real.
  7. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BEER (II)

  1. Real men like beer.
  2. God didn’t make beer and Jesus only made wine.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TAXATION

  1. Churches don’t pay taxes.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PLANS FOR THE WORLD

  1. There is no plan for the world.
  2. The non-existence of a plan can be seen from the fact that things are the way they are.
  3. My non-belief is not part of any plan, and neither is your belief.
  4. [Theist: Why not?]
  5. This is too complex for your mind to comprehend.
  6. Just accept that there is no plan for the world.
  7. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HIT-AND-RUN

  1. [Atheist creates message board account and logs in]
  2. “GOD IS FONEY AND ALL U STOOPID THEIST MOREONS WILL ROT IN JAIL MARK MY WERDS!!!!!!!!@#3FD”
  3. [Atheist logs off and never returns]
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PECULIARITY

  1. Evolution made us peculiar people.
  2. Stop laughing, foul believer.
  3. In order to preserve our own particular peculiarity—
  4. Stop laughing, I said.
  5. We must be a people apart.
  6. This means not listening to anyone who believes differently than we do, because this would taint our peculiarity.
  7. If you do not stop laughing—
  8. (Oh, I have to do the end of the argument).
  9. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.
  10. And God especially doesn’t exist because believers are laughing at us, which means we’re persecuted, which means we’re special.
  11. Therefore, (once again) God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENTUM FROM TINKERTOYS

  1. Take some tinkertoys and make several “creations”.
  2. Add and/or subtract pieces from the creations.
  3. Repeat as many times as you wish.
  4. The tinkertoys are evolving.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM HOSPITAL (aka ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF MIRACLES II)

  1. A dear relative of mine was terminally ill and undergoing extensive surgery in the hospital.
  2. My whole family sat outside the OR and prayed through the entire eight hours of surgery.
  3. He died.
  4. The doctors said there was nothing they could do to save him.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WEIRD

  1. You look weird, theist.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ALIENS

  1. I was once abducted by aliens.
  2. The Bible doesn’t say anything about aliens.
  3. If aliens exist, then God doesn’t.
  4. You’ve seen the X-files, haven’t you?
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LACK OF REVELATION

  1. God should be able to tell me He exists.
  2. I don’t hear God telling me anything.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FORCE

  1. [Argument from theist]
  2. [Atheist shoots theist]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM NAZIISM

  1. Hitler was trying to establish a Christian theocracy.
  2. Therefore, Hitler was a theist.
  3. Hitler was the worst leader possible.
  4. Therefore, all theists are bad people.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM UNCONSCIOUS ATHEISM

  1. Theists think God created life.
  2. Well, they shouldn’t if they thought about it really, really hard.
  3. Evolution is enough to explain the creation of life.
  4. So theists shouldn’t believe in God, if they weren’t so dumb.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COMMUNICATION FROM GOD

  1. I had this incredible experience that I attest to natural causes stemming from evolution.
  2. [Theist says, “Couldn’t there be a message from God?”]
  3. No, I’m telling you this could be only be explained naturally.
  4. [Theist suggests alternate explanations q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y and z which all involve God.]
  5. No, none of those can explain it.
  6. Because they can’t!
  7. [Theist is not convinced.]
  8. How dare you deny my special experience!
  9. [Theist tries to explain that s/he’s only questioning the atheist’s interpretation of that experience, and not the claim that something special was experienced.]
  10. You just don’t want to believe that what I experienced wasn’t from God, because you are a closed-minded, dogmatic theist!
  11. And also, you are a big meanie and I’m not talking to you anymore!
  12. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM COLTRANE

  1. John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” is dedicated to God.
  2. John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” is full of passion.
  3. John Coltrane, like every other theist, is full of it.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM GEORGE HARRISON

  1. George Harrison wrote “My Sweet Lord,” a song about finding God.
  2. George Harrison is dead.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE POPE

  1. The pope believes in God.
  2. The pope, like every other theist, is full of it.
  3. I hate the pope.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM GAME THEORY

  1. Atheist: [after lengthy explanation] Hence, pursuant to game theory, non-belief in an afterlife is the most sensible option.
  2. Theist: Wait a minute. That’s just a modified Pascal’s Wager.
  3. Aheist: Nuh uh!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MARSHALL BRAIN

  1. Here are some Bible passages.
  2. I interpret these passages differently than Christians do.
  3. My interpretations don’t make sense.
  4. Therefore, God does not exist.

“FALSE BECAUSE IT IS INCONSISTENT” ARGUMENT

  1. If the Bible authors were truly inspired by God, it would have been perfect and seamless and without any apparent inconsistencies.
  2. But the Bible is inconsistent, erroneous, and plain goofy at many places
  3. So the Bible is NOT a product of your sky-daddy and is without question the product of some smooth-talking manipulative authors.
  4. Hence the Bible isn’t the word of God.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BUZZWORDS

  1. As game theory clearly shows, the complex nature of the universe indicates probabilistic fine-tuning at the quantum level and renders God logically unnecessary.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (I)

  1. Things hurt.
  2. Theists say that God takes away all our hurt.
  3. They really are stupid, aren’t they?
  4. Atheists are smarter than that.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (II)

  1. Some things hurt a lot.
  2. Theists say that God takes away all our hurt.
  3. But since they can’t derive “ought” from “is,” their belief presupposes the non-existence of God.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

EXISTENTIAL ARGUMENT FROM EVIL (aka ARGUMENT FROM POWER)

  1. I have a gun.
  2. [Theist: “Ouch!!!”]
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RELIGIOUS DIVERSITY

  1. The difference in religions disproves God’s existence.
  2. Everyone knows and understands this.
  3. Well, everyone who matters, anyway.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RELIGIOUS LANGUAGE

  1. God doesn’t exist.
  2. Therefore, when I talk about God or related concepts, these words denote something.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EVOLUTION

  1. Science is always true.
  2. Science says that there is a vanishingly small chance that all of this could have happened on its own.
  3. But it obviously did happen on its own no matter how small the chance because we’re here now talking about it.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE

  1. Science is always true.
  2. Therefore there is no room for religious faith.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THINGS HURT (III)

  1. Things hurt.
  2. Theists claim that things hurting are part of God’s plan.
  3. They also claim that a lot of the good things in life only come through suffering.
  4. This is a load of hogwash since an all-good, all-loving God would not allow pain and suffering.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM GUNS (II)

  1. We have a gun.
  2. In fact, we have a lot more guns than you do.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MONTY PYTHON

  1. Graham Chapman appeared in a film that made fun of Jesus.
  2. Graham Chapman died of a horrible, incurable disease.
  3. I can’t believe in a God that doesn’t have a sense of humor about himself.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WAR

  1. War is worse than Hell.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ELVIS

  1. Some people call Jesus “the King.”
  2. But we know Elvis was the only “King.”
  3. Even believers can have a glimpse of wisdom.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

LINGUAL ARGUMENT

  1. Some people claim that there’s existence in nonexistence.
  2. Some of those people are theists.
  3. But I am going to apply that silly argument to the whole of theism.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

THE CIRCULAR DIVINE POWER ARGUMENT

  1. If God exists, then His existence must be the work of God.
  2. This is a circular argument that I pulled out of my nether regions. It has no basis in logic or reality.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM OPPRESSION (related to the various ARGUMENTS FROM OFFENSIVENESS)

  1. God doesn’t exists.
  2. [Theist asks any one of various questions, or even just starts to ask them]
  3. Are you saying that God does exist?
  4. You’re oppressing me! You’re depriving me of the right to disbelieve in God if I want to!
  5. Oppression is bad.
  6. Therefore, you are bad.
  7. Therefore, you must be wrong.
  8. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WHEAT

  1. A grain of wheat will always fall to the ground and the outer shell “dies”.
  2. But see, eventually the grain will grow into a fuller, more vital form.
  3. Hey, that’s evolution for ya!
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WARM & FUZZY THINGS

  1. When I was a theist, I didn’t have any warm & fuzzy things in my life.
  2. I really like warm & fuzzy things.
  3. If the Judeo-Christian God exists, He would’ve made sure I go lots of warm & fuzzy things to make me happy.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SCIENCE (II)

  1. Everything was fine until man created theism to take the place of science.
  2. Science is still alive and well.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM AMERICA

  1. God bless America?
  2. How did God bless America on 9/11?
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MASSIVE OPIATES

  1. Got to keep the public distracted.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM KING JOSIAH

  1. No time to expand the kingdom.
  2. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM THE ACLU

  1. I say God doesn’t exist.
  2. I could sue you and have you locked up, you know.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM IT’S MY BALL AND YOU CAN’T PLAY

  1. There is abundant logical and empirical evidence that God does not exist.
  2. There is no evidence that God does exist.
  3. I know because I play by a different set of rules.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DISCOMFORT

  1. I am happy not believing in God.
  2. Then you come along and say all this nasty stuff to take my happiness away.
  3. *sniff*… *sniff*… why are you making me uncomfortable?
  4. Anyone who makes other people uncomfortable must be different. And bad. And ignorant.
  5. Daddy will hug me!
  6. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ARTIFACT

  1. Archeologists have never found the remains of some places and events mentioned in the Bible.
  2. So the Bible is false.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist
  4. What? “Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence?” That only applies to things that disprove God. Stop trying to use that against us!

ARGUMENT FROM LITTLE BABIES (I)

  1. Sometimes a bad person hurts little babies because he doesn’t have a happy life.
  2. An all-good, all-loving God wouldn’t let this happen.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM LITTLE BABIES (II)

  1. Sometimes little babies are different from one another – how could you explain that?! Like, one will be really happy, and another will be sad. Sometimes even twins.
  2. This proves evolution.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM A VIDEO I WATCHED WITH MY DAD

  1. Me and my dad watched this video about evolution.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WHAT YEAR IT IS

  1. The years of our calendar traditionally have been dated from the birth of Christ.
  2. But now we’ve got a “new” system of dating called the “Common Era” system.
  3. Basically, all it does is use the same reckoning (i.e. from the birth of Christ), but we’ve changed the designations from “B.C.” and “A.D.” to a more atheist-pleasing “B.C.E.” and “C.E.” That way, we don’t have to acknowledge that the birth of Christ was a significant or even an actual event in history.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EARTH-CENTRISM

  1. A few hundred years ago, people thought that everything in the universe revolved around the earth.
  2. Some of those people were theists, but they were taking their cues from the scientists of the time.
  3. I’ll just ignore that last part and blame it on the theists.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM UNKNOWN QUALITIES

  1. Theists claim that God has qualities we mere humans can’t possibly know.
  2. If we can’t know them, then how can we know He even exists?
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FORGIVING MISGUIDEDNESS

  1. Atheist: X, Y, and Z all prove God is cruel and evil in the Bible and that He doesn’t exist.
  2. Theist: But I can refute X, Y, Z and unsaid arguments A, B, and C…
  3. Atheist: Don’t worry, you’re wrong and your questioning my arguments just proves how stupid and arrogant you are.
  4. Theist: But you haven’t said anything rational.
  5. Atheist: God is a lie. Duh.
  6. Therefore God doesn’t exist.
  7. Repeat 4, [3|5] ad infinitum.

ARGUMENT FROM NOT FEELING GOD’S PRESENCE

  1. Theists always say they can feel God’s presence.
  2. If God existed, He could use his omnipotence to make everyone feel his presence.
  3. I’ve never felt God’s presence.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WILLFUL IGNORANCE

  1. It simply doesn’t make sense that an unseen, all-knowing, all-powerful, all-good sky-daddy created the world out of nothingness, from magic, essentially, and then punished us for eating a piece of fruit, and then incarnated himself in human flesh and came down to shed his own blood so he could break his own rules, and then went through hell on a temporary basis and then went back into the sky and promised to come back and take everyone who believed in him to this heaven no one has ever seen?
  2. Don’t bother trying to explain it to me or tell me how I’ve falsely portrayed God. I like being an atheist.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM WILLFUL IGNORANCE, ADDENDUM

  1. Theist: Yes, it does.
  2. Atheist: See, you’re confusing the issue again! Think Simple and Sensible!
  3. Therefore, doesn’t God exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN

  1. Scientific American published an article that shows creationism is nonsense.
  2. Theists argue that the first editor of Scientific American was a Christian.
  3. Thankfully, things have changed for the better.
  4. Christians shouldn’t have anything to do with science or scientific publications.
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN (II)

  1. A creation ministry copied and replied to the full text of an article from Scientific American.
  2. SA sent only one email to that ministry saying that they don’t necessarily want their articles distributed for free in the internet by just anyone.
  3. The ministry was obviously in the wrong even though SA can’t prove that the article wasn’t used under the rules of “fair use.”
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM PEPPERED MOTHS

  1. Science textbooks rightly use the “peppered moths” to prove evolution.
  2. Theists say that peppered moths prove creationism.
  3. Obviously theists have no clue what they’re talking about.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RADIO SIGNALS

  1. There are many radio signals floating around our heads all the time.
  2. God could use them to communicate to us.
  3. I haven’t heard from God.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM INDIA

  1. [Non-believer asks if the theist would still call his religious experiences Christian if he had been raised in another country]
  2. [Theists questions the validity of “what if” arguments]
  3. [Non-believer takes that as proof that the theist is “full of it”]
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BESTSELLERDOM

  1. The Bible is the best-selling work in history.
  2. Just because it’s popular doesn’t mean it’s the Word of God.
  3. And there’s plenty of evidence to suggest it’s not.
  4. [Sound of theist squirting milk out his nose]
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

MODIFIED TRILEMMA ARGUMENT

  1. Jesus was either Lord, liar, or lunatic.
  2. He was obviously one or both of the latter two, but I can’t prove it.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ANARCHY

  1. There is no objective truth to the universe.
  2. If there were, we wouldn’t have to be constantly fighting against anarchy.
  3. We wouldn’t need courts or governments or anything.
  4. [Theist falls out of her chair from laughing so hard]
  5. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DIVINE RIGHT

  1. God saves the king/queen.
  2. There have been several kings/queens who have died.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SQUARE CIRCLES

  1. I flippantly say that I can conceive of a square circle, though I can’t possibly even begin to describe what it would look like.
  2. Obviously God can’t make a square circle, or they would exist.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist

ARGUMENT FROM DICTATORSHIP

  1. Many dictators claimed to be following God.
  2. Dictators are wrong.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM TERROR

  1. The lightning storm filled me with the terror.
  2. God is obviously cruel and evil.
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MEANING

  1. God is not needed for things to have meaning.
  2. I mean…
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM QUALITY OF LIFE

  1. Quite simply, the non-theist life is better than the theist life.
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM GAME SHOWS

  1. I have 55 contradictions I found in the Bible, and you have 15 seconds to answer them.
  2. (Theme from “Jeapardy” plays in the background)
  3. AAHHHHHH… Time’s up. So sorry; there are no parting gifts.
  4. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RIDICULOUS COMPARISON

  1. Some people believe that God exists.
  2. Some people believe that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny exist.
  3. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny do not exist.
  4. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CONTRAST

  1. Theists believe that God is supernatural and always existed.
  2. “Supernatural” contrasts “natural”.
  3. Therefore, nothing that is “supernatural” can exist unless something which is “natural” exists at the same time.
  4. Things that are natural didn’t exist until the universe began to exist
  5. Therefore, that which is supernatural could not have always existed
  6. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MEASUREMENTS

  1. Theists say that God is everywhere.
  2. If God was everywhere, our instruments that measure things would show that he’s there.
  3. They don’t.
  4. Therefore, God does not exist

ARGUMENT FROM NIETZSCHE or ARGUMENT FROM THE FASIONABILITY OF QUOTING NIETZSCHE

  1. Nietzsche says God is dead.
  2. Anyone who says that God is dead must be highly intelligent.
  3. Anyone who is highly intelligent can be trusted to make only true statements.
  4. Therefore Nietzsche was smart and was speaking the truth when he said that God is dead.
  5. Therefore God is dead (ie God does not exist).

ARGUMENT FROM MARX

  1. Marx says that religion is the opium of the masses.
  2. If I’m seen reading a copy of the Communist Manifesto, it’ll make me look like an intellectual.
  3. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM FREUD

  1. Freud says that God is just wish-fulfillment.
  2. Any intangible concept that I wish for, other than good weather, good grades, happiness, love, respect and friendship, cannot exist.
  3. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM DESPERATION

  1. If there is any possibility, even one in a billion billion billion, that the universe could exist without God’s help, then that’s exactly what happened.
  2. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM MAJORITY RULES

  1. God must not exist, since the majority of people on Earth aren’t Christians.
  2. Theist – “But the majority of the people on Earth DO believe in God, so, by your logic, God DOES exist.”
  3. So? Are you saying that the majority of people believing something automatically makes it true?
  4. Theist – “Ummm…no…”
  5. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM ASSUMPTION

  1. Therefore, God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CONFUSION

  1. Your Bible says God is not the author of confusion.
  2. I get confused all the time.
  3. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM BLISS

  1. Ignorance is bliss.
  2. Theists seem pretty happy a lot of the time
  3. Therefore, theists are ignorant.
  4. Therefore, God does not exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CONTRADICTING YOURSELF

  1. There’s proof that God doesn’t exist. You want some?
  2. Neither side can prove or disprove God’s existence.
  3. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM RICHARD DAWKINS

  1. God is a 747
  2. God is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction…a petty unjust, unforgiving control freak; a vindicative bloodthristy ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.
  3. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS

  1. Religion poisons everything
  2. Like for example, Religion slipped arsenic into my coke
  3. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM SAM HARRIS

  1. I think faith is stupid.
  2. I actually have no clue what faith means, but I think it’s stupid.
  3. The Bible doesn’t talk about DNA
  4. Therefore God doesn’t exist.

ARGUMENT FROM EXTREME SEXUAL LIBERALISM

  1. The Bible says we can’t have sex with running lawnmowers
  2. This is obviously extremely unfair
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist

ARGUMENT FROM ALL THE PROBLEMS IN HISTORY

  1. Religion is responsible for all the problems in history
  2. For example, I stubbed my toe on a stone altar
  3. If religion hadn’t put that stone alter there, my toe wouldn’t have hurt.
  4. Therefore, God doesn’t exist

ARGUMENT FROM PSEUDONYMS (AKA THE STANDARD INTERNET SKEPTIC ARGUMENT)

  1. Bob Turkel
  2. Therefore, God doesn’t exist

ARGUMENT FROM ATHEIST POOP

  1. (Theist points out the infinite complexity of the universe)
  2. Atheist: Oh yeah! Well MY POOP is complex!
  3. Therefore, God doesn’t exist*

*This actually happened to a reader of Tektonics