Tag Archives: Humor
Happy Atheist Day
HAPPY ATHEIST DAY!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS
The atheists brain children Love to use this in place of Merry Christmas hoping to piss off the Christians…. I guess nobody told them…
HAPPY HOLIDAY – COMES FROM – HOLY DAY
Holiday- Holy Day
All I can do is shake my head and Wave and return their greeting.
Happy Holy Day.
For lunch you can have a Chicken and Egg on Toast…But which to put first chicken or egg… hmmm
Then Its off to the Church of Atheism (New Pope You Know)
And the Pope says for dinner flying spaghetti and a meaty balls take it or leave it.
Happy Atheist Day!
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Agnostic Humor 13
Atheist’s seem to lose their collective shit any time I tell them evolution is just a theory they treat it as if it is a commandment rather than a Theory. And then they come back with these rants on Oh ya if you think Evolution is a theory then you must think gravity is just a theory and then they start. I’ll stop and let you look at some Pics. And you decide for yourself.
At first glance the little pseudointellectual scientists makes you think they are quite correct and the use of science to put down religion seems to work. Although I’m not sure what science has to do with religion.
But rather me waste my time trying to argue with morons I’ll just let Sir Issac speak for himself.
Yes indeed Gravity is a Law not a Theory…
Newton’s law of universal gravitation
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Newton’s law of universal gravitation states that every point mass in the universe attracts every other point mass with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. (Separately it was shown that large spherically symmetrical masses attract and are attracted as if all their mass were concentrated at their centers.)
So there you have it proof positive Atheists have no mass between their ears 🙂
Another Atheist Favorite is
-That which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.- Christopher Hitchens.
– An opinion offered when asked, can be accepted or dismissed with no evidence necessary. – Thats all I have to say.
I have listened to Atheists talk about how bad Christians are and how ignorant they are for believing in a God they cannot see. All the while holding up a lack of belief as if, it is somehow a valid position or moral compass and say you don’t need a God to be good.
Catholics started hospitals to care for the sick, they established orphanages and help the poor. They are the largest charitable organization on the planet, they educate more children than another scholarly or religious institution. They developed the Scientific Method and Laws of Evidence. They founded the College system Great Cities were named after their Saints. There are schools of Theology in almost every major university in the world.
No I don’t think you need a God to be good but that being said there is nothing wrong with faith. I have never seen an Atheist soup kitchen or even so much as a Preschool of Atheism and maybe they will name a great City after Hitchens but I lack a belief in that. But I did name my litter box after him after all he did like the Scotch too much and ended up shit faced quite often and he saw nothing wrong with beastiality God bless his soul. So with this you kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak.
Before you get on your keyboard and tell everyone how right and smart you are why not show everyone? Your actions will speak louder than any words you can contrive. Yes I know Atheists have a lack of belief and the haters are going to hate but…
An opinion with a lack of knowledge is called ignorance.
As an Agnostic I can only say that, I do not know, now ask yourself how much truth and wisdom is in that answer?
My rant is done 🙂
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Agnostic Jokes 12
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a Christian, one an Atheist, and one an Agnostic. The interviewing committee first calls in the Christian. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?” The Christian, without hesitation, says “1000.”
The committee sends him out and calls in the Atheist. When the Atheist comes in, they ask the same question. The Atheist ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.” He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the Agnostic enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?” The Atheist replies, “what would you like it to be?”
What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.
What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.
An Atheist and an Agnostic are discussing his lack of belief in god, when the atheist of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The agnostic guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the agnostic says “OK, now what?”
An agnostic and an Atheist were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night the Agnostic woke the Atheist up and said: “Look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” The Atheist replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” The Agnostic said: “And what do you deduce from that?” The Atheist replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And the Agnostic said: “You idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Two buddies an Agnostic and an Atheist were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, the Agnostic and the Atheist discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was a heaven and did they play baseball there.
One summer night, the Agnostic passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy the Atheist awoke to the sound of the Agnostic’s voice from beyond. “Agnostic is that you?” Atheist asked. “Of course it me,” the Agnostic replied.
“This is unbelievable!” the Atheist exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
The Atheist excitedly replies, “Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Atheist.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said,
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The agnostic song leader who was filling in for the day for his friend then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”
Being an agnostic I am not totally ignorant to other people when it comes to faith I go to church with my wife at Christmas and Easter not because I believe, but because I am considerate of others beliefs.
Coming out of church one Christmas day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my hand and pulled me aside.
The Pastor said,”You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
I replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
I whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.
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Agnostic Jokes 10
Three women die A Christian an Atheist and an Agnostic and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says “Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly”.
The agnostic was asked “Who was the first man on earth?” to which she replied “I don’t know” and was allowed into heaven.
The Christian was asked “Who was the first woman on earth?” to which she replied “Eve” and was allowed into heaven.
The Atheist was asked “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” to which she replied “Ohh! That’s a hard one.”
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. “If you believe in me enough to give me $50,” he said, “I will grant you eternal life.”
“Sorry, I’m an atheist,” the fellow replied, “and have never believed in God.”
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. “Well, I’m an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not,” the guy said, “but here’s 50 bucks, just in case.”
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. “I’m Pat Robertson and don’t really care if you’re God or not,” he said excitedly. “Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I’ll give you $100.”
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
the man goes over and says “oh what cute kittens!” the boy replies “yes they are Atheist kittens“. About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says “my, those are just adorable!” the boy replies “yes, they are Agnostic kittens” the man asks “wait, weren’t they Atheist before?” the boy looks at the man and says” yeah but they have their eyes open now”
An Atheist is rowing his boat on Loch Ness when he spots the infamous huge monster moving straight at him. As Nessie towers and lunges at him, the Atheist shouts, “Please God, help me!” Time freezes. A voice from heaven asks, “Why should I help you now? You didn’t even believe in me five seconds ago.” The Atheist replies, “Hey, give me a break. Five seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!”
A) How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
B) I don’t know, how many agnostics does it take?
C) I don’t know.
An agnostic dies and finds himself being greeted by Moses and Mohammed.
‘How is it I got here? I didn’t believe’, asks the agnostic.
‘Well’, says Moses, ‘it is not what you believe, it is how you lived. Anyway follow me’.
As they walk along Moses points out the Jews, the Muslims, and Buddhists. They came up to a wall and as the agnostic starts to ask another question, Moses whispers, ‘Quiet, on the other side are the Christians, and they don’t think anyone else is up here’..
Christians run a restaurant called Belief. It’s a place to place an order get what you want and you always get what you pay for.
Atheists run a restaurant called Dogmatic Rhetoric. It’s a place where they decide what you want and you have two choices, take it or leave it.
Agnostic’s run a restaurant called Karma. It’s a place where there is no need to place any order. You are automatically served what you deserve.
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Agnostic Jokes 8
If you ever want a laugh and see an atheists eyes glaze over just ask an atheist for proof that aliens exist. For some reason they do not believe in God but almost to a person they believe in aliens… And when they start defending their alien beliefs they use the same defense as Christians use for God its funny as shit. Try it for yourself. The best answer I got was … Do you actually think for one second that all the people who seen UFO’s and have been abducted are lying? EVERYONE is just liars? Is that what you think? My only answer was. You think that all the millions of people who claim to see God and speak to God every day and the miracles credited to God are all Lies? Is that what you think?
While we are on the subject…
George Bernard Shaw once famously quipped, “We learn from history that we learn nothing from history”. This quote is fitting to this piece of evidence that suggests the UFO phenomenon has been around as long as human civilization has existed and yet it is consistently dismissed. Today many UFO sightings are often explained away as being the US military testing some new technological weapon or plane, but this explanation cannot be used in a time when human flight was impossible.
The painting above is titled “The Madonna with Saint Giovannino” and dates back to around the 15th century. The painting depicts the Virgin Mary in the foreground, and in the background is what appears to be a man looking up in awe at an object that is strikingly similar to our modern day perception of a UFO.
This is not the only example of UFOs in ancient art. There are literally hundreds of examples of objects in the sky in many paintings spanning across the centuries. Strangely, the majority of the paintings depict UFOS in connection with a spiritual figure or experience. This could be how the people of the period interpreted the things they were seeing or perhaps there is a literal connection between the spiritual and UFOs.
Erich von Däniken, author of the famous and controversial Chariots of The Gods, suggests that our gods and angles maybe intelligent aliens. In the Old Testament, The Book of Ezekiel discusses an encounter with a strange flying object made of metal that took the shape of a wheel. Inside were four living creatures that looked like humans. Many people believe the Bible to be the literal word of God; it should be especially hard for those people to ignore this evidence. It is the Gospel after all.
Many may have a hard time taking the theories of Däniken seriously, but even respected astrophysicist Carl Sagan believed that we should seriously consider the possibility that extraterrestrial contact occurred in the past, so we should not completely dismiss this idea.
Three days into the Apollo 11 flight the astronauts on board sent a strange message to mission control asking, “Do you have any idea where the S-4B is with respect to us?” The astronauts were asking where the final stage of the rocket was, which had been detached two days prior. The reason for this inquiry was because something was riding along side of the rocket and if it wasn’t part of the rocket, Apollo 11 had a visitor.
The crew on board did not want to make a big deal out of the object for fear that it would cause a panic and mission control would order the astronauts to abandon the mission. “The three of us were not going to blurt out, ‘hey Houston we got something moving along side of us and we don’t know what it is’ we weren’t about to do that…someone might of demanded we turn back because of aliens or whatever it is,” said astronaut Buzz Aldrin when discussing the situation at a later date.
Mission control did answer the astronaut’s cryptic question about the location of the S-4b unit. The unit was 6,000 miles from their location. What Aldrin and the other three astronauts were looking at was an Unidentified Flying Object exhibiting an intelligent flight path. In fact, according to Dr. David Baker, an Apollo 11 Senior Scientist, astronauts seeing UFOs is not uncommon and dates back to the early earth orbit space flights.
If your friend who works at the video store claims to have seen a sea monster, his story has very little credibility. If an experienced Naval Captain claims to have seen a sea monster then his sighting has tremendous credibility. If experienced and respected astronauts are seeing evidence of intelligent life outside of Earth it should also be taken very seriously.
In 1977, at Ohio Sate University, The Big Ear radio telescope picked up an unusual signal. Big Ear used numbers and letters to determine the strength of a signal, 0 being meaningless noise and Z being a strong radio signal. An astronomer, Dr. Jerry R. Ehman, studying the data from the telescope was shocked when a radio signal clocking in at ‘6EQUJ5’ came from a seemingly empty spot in space. Ehman was so shocked that he circled the signal on the data sheet and simply wrote ‘Wow’.
The transmission lasted 37 seconds and came from the Sagittarius constellation. Even more interesting is the fact that the nearest star in that specific direction is 220 million light years away. In other words, the signal came from an empty spot in space. It is also interesting to note that the signal had all the characteristics of an interstellar broadcast.
Some have tried to explain that the signal is somehow of an Earthly origin, but this seems unlikely as the signal was in a frequency that is internationally banned on Earth. The conclusion that has the most evidence going for it is that it is of an extraterrestrial origin, and because there are no stars near where the signal was found one can conclude that it came from a spacecraft manned by intelligent entities.
N = the number of civilizations in our galaxy with which communication might be possible;
R* = the average rate of star formation per year in our galaxy
ƒp = the fraction of those stars that have planets
ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets
ƒℓ = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop life at some point
fi = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop intelligent life
ƒc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space
L = the length of time such civilizations release detectable signals into space.
Radio astronomer Frank Drake developed the Drake equation so he could estimate the number of planets harboring intelligent life in the galaxy by taking into consideration the factors listed above. A rigorous estimate using the Drake Equation was implemented in 2001, which also took into consideration the number of planets that are in the habitable zone (The habitable zone is an area around a star were water is in liquid form, temperature is ideal, and photosynthesis is possible). The results found that hundreds of thousands of life-bearing planets statistically should exist. It also suggested that a habitable planet like the Earth should exist just a few hundred light years away.
I find it unfair if I did not now also give equal mention to the Fermi paradox. The Fermi paradox states that if so many planets exist with intelligent life why is there a lack of contact between the intelligent life and us and why is there such a lack of physical evidence of said intelligent life. The paradox exists in that the Drake equation statistically proves life should be abundant and yet physical evidence says otherwise. It is hard to combat the arguments from the Fermi paradox except that some physical evidence does exist as you can see from this writing.
In 2003, astronomers with the search for extraterrestrial intelligence (SETI) used a massive telescope to examine sections of the sky where they had previously found unexplained radio signals. They found another radio signal that was even stronger than what they had previously found.
The signal came from an area in space where there are no planets or stars and strangely was at a frequency that hydrogen absorbs, ensuring that the signal would be strong and could travel great distances. The signal was detected on three separate occasions.
“The signal is moving rapidly in frequency and you would expect that to happen if you are looking at a transmitter on a planet that’s rotating very rapidly and where the civilization is not correcting the transmission for the motion of the planet,” Says USB researcher Eric Korpela. Considering the signal operates as if it is intelligently operated and the fact that it was detected multiple times one has to consider this SETI signal the best candidate for proof of intelligent life on other planets.
These are not proofs of Alien existance of course there are none the claim that these highly suggest the possibility 🙂 Like the bible highly suggests the existence of god same idea. And both have been debunked The God by Zietgiest and the aliens by the ancient aliens debunked. and in turn Zietgiest has been debunked by the documentary Zietgiest debunked.
But what does stand up is the drake equation. now instead of employing the drake equation to support aliens use it to support god…
ARGUMENT FROM “LET’S JUST NOT BELIEVE”
- All belief systems should be treated the same as the scientific one.
- [Theist: Why?]
- Because they have their own grounds.
- Anyway, that’s my experience of how the world works.
- [Theist: It’s not mine. And why should you treat claims of UFOs and aliens more seriously than claims of God’s existence?]
- I believe there are UFOs and aliens.
- But I don’t believe in God.
- Therefore, God doesn’t exist.
ARGUMENT FROM ALIENS
- I was once abducted by aliens.
- The Bible doesn’t say anything about aliens.
- If aliens exist, then God doesn’t.
- You’ve seen the X-files, haven’t you?
- Therefore, God doesn’t exist.
What separates an atheist and a theist, the “Space”? A bit of nothing between the two?
Atheist & A theist nothing but a space to differentiate the two.
Theism/atheism is about beliefs and believers
Atheism believes there is no god, A theist believes there is a god
Atheists will say I do not believe in god like that’s any kind of distinction in the real world. Like a belief that there is no god, is somehow not a belief…
Theist theos (Greek: θεος, θεός “god”) Meaning God
Atheist atheos (Greek: ἄθεος, from the privative ἀ- + θεός “god”) Meaning Godless. Or without God
gnostic/agnostic is about knowledge
Thinking is always good.
People here are trying to make you believe one way or the other….
Make believe is not so good.
Knowing the difference is wisdom
And wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
All agnostic say is I don’t know and I know you don’t know either.
No lie in that statement is there? You really don’t know do you? You just believe. Seems like a lot to do about nothing really.
I believe aliens exist vs. I believe aliens don’t exist.
Is one a alien and the other aalien? Or does alien mean without a lien? Someone who is debt free?
Well if jumping to conclusions was an Olympic event you would win gold. I’m agnostic … I’m the guy who does not know or pretend to know what ignorant people are sure off. Neither of you know anything you believe or don’t believe, which is make believe.
Are their aliens and pink unicorns in my room?
Is god behind me I don’t know. Why don’t I know because unlike the pink unicorn or lion I don’t know what it looks like so I would not know if I tripped over god or not would I? So until somebody can define god as well as they have a pink unicorn I do not have enough data to warrant a definitive answer. So I just say hey I don’t know.
Now the little green Martians from the 60 and 70’s we must have gotten a newer version alien 2.0 or something in the 80’s because we shifted from green to grey alien grey guys with the buggy eyes. Green to grey in 40 years or so and I dig the new ship upgrades. Did they build them here or take the materials with them in the Mylar ships in the 70’s that crashed in Roswell?
So I have a definition of aliens and none in the room and I don’t know if they exist Just like the pink unicorns , them thar pink horses with one horn… Who picked pink.. must be an atheist thing.
Unlike god or lions.
Lions – 0% in room – 100% exist
Unicorns 0% in room – unknown exist
Aliens 0% in room – unknown exist
God unknown in room – unknown exist
See how comparing unicorns, faeries and aliens to compared to god just does not quite match up? Kind of like comparing apples to oranges. The Devil is in the details… 🙂
Are atheist fundies a force of good…for nothing?
Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious that they are non-believers and merely deny the existence of god with no proof to support their POV. In fact, “atheist” is a term that should not ever exist. No one ever needs to identify himself as a “non-astronaut” or a “non-rocket scientist”. We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle and crash in Roswell because they forgot brakes. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs. An atheist is simply a person who believes that the world of theists claiming to “never doubt the existence of God” should be obliged to present evidence for his existence-and, indeed, for his BENEVOLENCE, to this snivelling minority of pseudo scientists are smug in the knowledge of nothing but non-belief or shall we say a lack there of.
What do theists and atheists think an agnostic is anyways?
I’m agnostic there is no side… I’m not the neutral between two believers I’m the opposite of gnostic. I’m with the Dept. of Knowledge not the Ministry of Belief…or Lack of Belief. We deal with truth not faith… And the truth is “I don’t know”… and the gnostic would say, “And I know you don’t know either” (And an atheist would tell you this is a militant agnostic…) and that would be the truth. But you each have faith your right and believe it to be true. You are both fine until you cross the line into reality which is truth.
The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
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Agnostic Quotes 1
Agnostic Jokes 7
Agnostic, Christian, Atheist walking through a field come upon a farmer.
The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The Christian prays for guidance and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The Atheist looks at him and laughs. “No, the best way is a circle”. The Christian concedes and they start building the fence.
The Agnostic just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says “I declare myself to be outside”.
An Agnostic school teacher walking with his grade 12 class in a park come upon three men he knows arguing about the existence of God.
The first man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my belief in god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument
The second man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my lack of belief in god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right to have a lack of belief in God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.
The third man comes over and says George you are a wise man and agnostic like myself these two fools say they know if god exists or does not what do you think? George says “You are right who knows if there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.
Back at the school the students confront their teacher saying “all three of the men in the park came and asked your opinion on god and you agreed with all three why did you lie to them?” I did not lie to them says George told each in turn they were right.” “But why they cannot be all right?” Says one Student “But of course not, but you must understand, None of the three really wanted my opinion they just wanted me to agree with them.”
Agnostic, Christian, Atheist were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, It was God no question. It says so in the bible.”
The Atheist said, “No, it was evolution. It says so in science.”
The Agnostic said, “Actually it must have been an atheist. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, an atheist boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? Because I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God smiles at the Atheist and a voice booms out again: “Okay …
.. NOW you’re screwed.”
What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.
A Christian, a Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”
What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.
An Atheist, a Theist, an Agnostic, and a Gnostic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The Gnostic chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The Atheist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The Christian chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols and allowing the bible to be written.
The Agnostic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes — so what?”
“Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. That little bottle — how does it know?”
A Christian physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks an Atheist math professor to look at it.
A week later, the Atheist math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the Christian physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the Atheist math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Atheist math professor tells the Christian physics professor the equation does work, “But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive.”
Atheism is Christianity without thought.
Agnostics is Christianity without purpose.
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Agnostic Jokes 5
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must an agnostic,” says the balloonist.
“I am an agnostic” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You be an atheist.”
“I am atheist,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the agnostic, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
A young Agnostic and his Atheist Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Vancouver. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Agnostic are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Atheist manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young Agnostic was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young Agnostic sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Atheist manager all at the same time!”
An atheist is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. An agnostic walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the atheist, puffing casually “I’m an atheist”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about proof.”
An Atheist and an Agnostic are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Atheist leans over to the Agnostic and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Agnostic just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Atheist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” Again, the Agnostic politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Atheist now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”
This catches the Agnostic’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Atheist asks the first question. “What’s the proof that god exists”
The Agnostic doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Atheist.
Now, it’s the Agnostic’s turn. He asks the Atheist, “How do you know God does not exist?” The Atheist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Agnostic and hands him $50. The Agnostic politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Atheist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Agnostic and asks, “Well, so what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the Agnostic reaches into his wallet, hands the Atheist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A Christian and an Atheist have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with an Agnostic as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and the Agnostic announces that the contest is over. He asks the Atheist to show his work. Visibly upset, Atheist cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says the Agnostic, “let us see if the Christian has fared any better.”
The Christian presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
The Atheist is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Christian’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
Agnostic chuckles, “Dumb ass… everybody knows… Jesus saves.”
Once upon a time there was an Agnostic looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a Atheist dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Agnostic:
Atheist: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The Agnostic looks at the young Atheist, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
Agnostic: “Okay.”
The young Atheist parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the Agnostic and says,
Atheist: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The Agnostic cheers,
Agnostic: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young Atheist makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The Agnostic looks at him and asks,
Agnostic: “If I guess your belief system, will you return my animal to me?”
The young Atheist answers;
Atheist: “Yes, why not?”
Agnostic: “You are an Atheist are you not?”
Atheist: “How did you know?”
Agnostic: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, NOW…can I have my DOG back?”
A Christian, Atheist, and Agnostic engage in a discussion on whose impact on the idea of the existence of God was the greatest.
Christian: “God told me I have the best supporting documentation in the world!”
Atheist: “Well, God told me that I have the best supporting documentation in the world!” With a sarcastic grin on his face.
Agnostic: “Wait, wait, I never said any of that.”
Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.
“My husband’s a Christian,” said the first. “He’s really strong and aggressive in bed and I can’t wait to accept it”
“My husband’s an Agnostic,” said the second. “He’s really gentle and sensitive. He doesn’t pretend to know it all and takes the time to hear what I have to say.”
“My husband’s an Atheist,” said the third. “He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when I finally get it.”
A group of Agnostics and Atheists were traveling to a debate on a train. Each of the Atheists had bought a ticket, but the Agnostics had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the Agnostics was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out “The conductor’s coming!” and all of the Agnostics piled into the train’s lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the Atheists, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called “Ticket please.” The Agnostics slid their one ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The Agnostics were laughing at the Atheists for the rest of the trip, and the Atheists felt like idiots.
On the way back, the Atheists decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the Agnostics didn’t buy a single ticket! Again, one of the Agnostics kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called “Conductor coming!” all of the Agnostics piled into one lavatory, and all of the Atheists shut themselves into another lavatory.
One Agnostic came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the Atheist door, and said “Ticket please!”
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Atheists ask for proof of God
Why do atheists ask for proof of god is he lost or something?
It’s like my atheist fundie buddy gay as a three dollar bill and the IQ of a bag of nails… He’s in the military under the don’t ask don’t remember plan, names General Failure so he asks me how do priests make holy water, I told him they take tap water and boil the hell out it anybody can do it.
And he is always yapping about there not being a god and why I never agree with him, I keep telling him if I agree with you we will both be wrong then, oh ok he says. I keep telling him Knowledge is knowing about god; Wisdom is knowing you know nothing; and atheism is none of the above.
I asked him do you know what an atheist smells like. He said what? I replied depends. Atheists and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
And this god does not exist, BS he keeps saying atheists didn’t claim god does not exist, he said just was blaming Christians for claiming God does exist… What? Like that makes any bit of difference in the real world? Why does General Failure believe me without question when I say there are four billion stars (Like I actually know), but loses his mind when I say I don’t know if god exists? Am I missing Something?
I said God must love stupid atheists. He made SO many. General Failure’s reply was, no way god only made stupid Christians… ok Mr. God less. General Failure got mad when I said hey you need to be able to laugh at your atheism beliefs, everybody else does. Ya your right Ray I feel better now. He seen me on Yahoo Q&A and decided he was going to give those damn Christians a piece of his mind. (Fark like he can afford to do that…) He likes to call them the artificial god worshippers; I don’t know either he thinks it pi$ses somebody off? I told him giddy up their Christian artificial intelligence is no match for your atheist fundie natural stupidity and off General Failure goes to battle unarmed in a match of wits.
I tried to explain to him a Christian is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a nice way that you will look forward to the trip ya don’t want to be messing with these people. He was down the other day depressed some Christian put him in his place, I to him said Jesus loves you, it’s just those damn Christians that thinks you’re an a-hole, and General Failure felt better.
Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as an atheist” has never stepped on one. I discovered General Failure my gay atheist friend screams the same way whether he is about to be hit by a bus or he gets 10 points on Q&A.
Smile you’re never going to know the answer till it’s too late. And Ya won’t be coming back this way with proof 🙂
Why do atheists let god get the best of them; remember, Moses started out as a basket case?
Speaking about dumb as a bag of hammers I think atheists really want to serve God, but only as an advisory committee. Ya know I thought about it and the good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but atheists do come close. They are like us agnostics with Noah brains.
But really if you think about it. God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should atheists? Ya know the definition of atheist? Somebody with without a mind and like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
I don’t know why atheists talk about religion; what difference does it make which church you stay home from?! Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous and atheists want proof… And why do atheists add question mark where God put a period when they post on R&S? I keep telling my christian buddy General Failure. God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts and fruits!” And those dam atheists are on the road to hell. He likes it but what do I know I’m agnostic.
The Good General Failure was fighting with a christian about numbers or something I told him here ask the christian to solve this math question if he is so smart. I said this is the best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given. Now his atheist buddies thinks he is a Christian troll.
Peace starts with a smile.
Come on admit it you an agnostic too: I don’t know if god exists and I know you don’t know either. Call me gnostic. Or just refuse to answer the question on the grounds that you do not know the correct answer.
What separates an atheist and a theist, the “Space”? A bit of nothing between the two?
Atheist & A theist nothing but a space to differentiate the two.
Theism/atheism is about beliefs and believers
Atheism believes there is no god, A theist believes there is a god
Atheists will say I do not believe in god like that’s any kind of distinction in the real world. Like a belief that there is no god, is somehow not a belief…
Theist theos (Greek: θεος, θεός “god”) Meaning God
Atheist atheos (Greek: ἄθεος, from the privative ἀ- + θεός “god”) Meaning Godless. Or without God
gnostic/agnostic is about knowledge
Thinking is always good.
People here are trying to make you believe one way or the other….
Make believe is not so good.
Knowing the difference is wisdom
And wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
All agnostic say is I don’t know and I know you don’t know either.
No lie in that statement is there? You really don’t know do you? You just believe. Seems like a lot to do about nothing really.
Like I believe aliens exist vs. I believe aliens don’t exist.
Is one an alien and the other Aalien? Or does alien mean without a lien? Someone who is debt free?
Well if jumping to conclusions was an Olympic event you would win gold. I’m agnostic … I’m the guy who does not know or pretend to know what ignorant people are sure off. Neither of you know anything you believe or don’t believe, which is make believe, making yourself believe.
agnostic humor 