Agnostic Jokes 5

hypocrites-r-us

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must an agnostic,” says the balloonist.

“I am an agnostic” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”

The man below replies, “You be an atheist.”

“I am atheist,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”

“Well”, says the agnostic, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

 

 

 

A young Agnostic and his Atheist Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Vancouver. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Agnostic are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The Atheist manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young Agnostic was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young Agnostic sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Atheist manager all at the same time!”

 

An atheist is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. An agnostic walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the atheist, puffing casually “I’m an atheist”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about proof.”

 

 
An Atheist and an Agnostic are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Atheist leans over to the Agnostic and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Agnostic just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Atheist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” Again, the Agnostic politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Atheist now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”

This catches the Agnostic’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Atheist asks the first question. “What’s the proof that god exists”

The Agnostic doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Atheist.

Now, it’s the Agnostic’s turn. He asks the Atheist, “How do you know God does not exist?” The Atheist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Agnostic and hands him $50. The Agnostic politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Atheist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Agnostic and asks, “Well, so what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the Agnostic reaches into his wallet, hands the Atheist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

 

A Christian and an Atheist have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with an Agnostic as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and the Agnostic announces that the contest is over. He asks the Atheist to show his work. Visibly upset, Atheist cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says the Agnostic, “let us see if the Christian has fared any better.”

The Christian presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

The Atheist is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Christian’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

Agnostic chuckles, “Dumb ass… everybody knows… Jesus saves.”

 

 

Once upon a time there was an Agnostic looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a Atheist dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Agnostic:

Atheist: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”

The Agnostic looks at the young Atheist, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

Agnostic: “Okay.”

The young Atheist parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the Agnostic and says,

Atheist: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”

The Agnostic cheers,

Agnostic: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

The young Atheist makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The Agnostic looks at him and asks,

Agnostic: “If I guess your belief system, will you return my animal to me?”

The young Atheist answers;

Atheist: “Yes, why not?”

Agnostic: “You are an Atheist are you not?”

Atheist: “How did you know?”

Agnostic: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, NOW…can I have my DOG back?”

 

 

A Christian, Atheist, and Agnostic engage in a discussion on whose impact on the idea of the existence of God was the greatest.

Christian: “God told me I have the best supporting documentation in the world!”

Atheist: “Well, God told me that I have the best supporting documentation in the world!” With a sarcastic grin on his face.

 

Agnostic: “Wait, wait, I never said any of that.”

 

 

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.

“My husband’s a Christian,” said the first. “He’s really strong and aggressive in bed and I can’t wait to accept it”

“My husband’s an Agnostic,” said the second. “He’s really gentle and sensitive. He doesn’t pretend to know it all and takes the time to hear what I have to say.”

“My husband’s an Atheist,” said the third. “He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when I finally get it.”

 

 

A group of Agnostics and Atheists were traveling to a debate on a train. Each of the Atheists had bought a ticket, but the Agnostics had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.

One of the Agnostics was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out “The conductor’s coming!” and all of the Agnostics piled into the train’s lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the Atheists, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called “Ticket please.” The Agnostics slid their one ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.

The Agnostics were laughing at the Atheists for the rest of the trip, and the Atheists felt like idiots.

On the way back, the Atheists decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the Agnostics didn’t buy a single ticket! Again, one of the Agnostics kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called “Conductor coming!” all of the Agnostics piled into one lavatory, and all of the Atheists shut themselves into another lavatory.

One Agnostic came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the Atheist door, and said “Ticket please!”

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