Agnostic Jokes 2

If we aren’t supposed to eat atheist fundies, why are they made of meat?

They are uglier than a hatfull of assholes. And when I feed them to the dog he has to lick his ass to get the lack of taste out of his mouth…

agnostic dog

A single moment of understanding can flood a whole life with meaning.

Do atheist fundies hang of every word of lackavangelist Chris Hitchens in a Zoophilia kind of way?

When asked if he thought Beastiality was acceptable he replied “I see nothing wrong with it”

I see the atheist fundie has no lacka belief in Zoophilia. I can see giving the dog a bone … but boning the dog that just lacks class.

Is the big bang theory like little house on the prairie for atheist fundies?

And did you know the really really big band theory was developed by a catholic priest? Ironic is it not? A man with no Lack O’ Belief in God created (yes created) a theory atheist fundies believe in and use it as part of their reasoning for a Lack O’ Belief in god… is that lackademia at its finest?

What is an atheist fundy?

Glad you asked

You may be an Atheist-Fundie if:

You Lackey O’ Belief in God instead of coming out and saying it.

An atheist who says that god doesn’t exist but then spends every waking moment on their lives obsessing over and griping about said god. Pretty much any atheist is an atheist fundie.

You call yourself an agnostic atheist hoping to have the best of both worlds ignoring the fact that AA is like calling bald a hair color.

You are furious at God for not existing.

That despite them being thoroughly debunked, they insist that sites like “Zeitgeist”, “exposing Christianity”, “the Atheist Bible”, and a host of others are literally, word-for-word truth.

You refuse to use the word “excruciating” because of its origins in describing the agonies of crucifixion. (ex crucis – from the cross).

You get angry when Christians tell you you’re going to a place that you don’t think exists.

You address Christians with terms such as “waco”, “Jesus Freak” or “looney toon”

You’re saving up to move to some more enlightened place, like Sweden why for some reason is thought to be atheist fundie heaven despite being actually 89% Lutheran.

You refer to the crucifixion of Jesus as the “cruci-fiction”.

You refer to the Bible as the “buy-bull”.

If someone says “God Bless” when you sneeze, you make them take it back.

You categorize the Mel Gibson movie, “The Passion of the Christ”, as a horror or a historical fiction film.

You think Ray Balthazar means fundamentalist instead of fundamental when he uses the phrase atheist fundie.

When the centrepiece of your philosophical critique on theism is based on a pink unicorn or Lackey O’ Belief the leprechaun.

You think eating bread and drinking wine is cannibalism.

The only Commandments you know are the ones that are unconstitutional.

You not only spell “God”, with a lower case “g”.

When you go to a bookstore, you move all the Bibles to the “fiction” section.

You think that if schools teach the Intelligent Design theory of creation, they should also teach about the legend of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and have no objection to mythology being taught.

You believe that life came from nonlife, yet deny the possibility of anyone rising from the dead. (Ex: Jesus or The Blood Count).

You call your view which is held by a small minority of the American public, “common sense”.

You know who you are.

Is atheism is the fine art of remembering what you hear that disproves god but forgetting where you heard it?

Does an agnostics thoughts tumble in their head?

Making and breaking ideas like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free?

Or is it more like a Hefty Garbage bag full of Flying Spaghetti Monsters thrown off a 50 story building exploding when it hits the ground? Holy macaroni batman… Poor Mr. Noodles

Do atheist fundies speak with the wisdom that can only come from experience?

Like that atheist fundie guy who said HEY Y’ALL LOOK AT THIS! and went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
He should have known one of those boxes with a pinhole in it is best viewed through beer goggles.

Does anyone else have atheist fundie friends?

And do they all have the same weird laugh when they make a stupid point about god?

My atheist fundie friends all have a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up, after eating crunchy peanut butter.

Is an atheist fundies mind like a steel trap that’s rusted shut?

Stupidity is the language of most atheist fundies and a Christian believes there is no sin except stupidity and me being an agnostic thinks stupid is its own reward.

Does anyone else hear heavenly bells when atheist fundies speak?

Like the ones on a garbage truck when it backs up.
I do not know when how or where, and do not claim to know or to have been the first to post this. I just think it’s funny. Period.
Is atheism like waiting for a theist to prove god…in a void. You’ll never find him.

Are atheist fundies like the police?

They can have all the evidence in the world, but they still want a confession from a Christian… And isn’t it innocent until proven guilty? What’s with the atheist guilty until you prove god exists defence… and calling it burden of proof 🙂

Have you ever wondered why an atheist fundie is like a hockey puck?

I was wondering why hockey pucks got bigger as they got close…then it hit me.
Despite my command of the English language I say nothing.

Has anyone found atheist fundie in the dictionary?

Your probably looking under A, it is found under B as in:
Bull-shit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.
As an agnostic I never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

Do atheist fundies make you laugh?

They go on and on like they really know if god does or does not exist, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Like anybody actually believes that…

Like when I get asked by atheists do I believe in god.. and I answer I don’t know I’m agnostic. They get a look on their face like they have been staring at a clock with all the numbers backwards and in the wrong places.

Not to mention the first agnostic atheist (Like calling bald a hair color) He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo.

Do atheists know why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Aren’t they close to your Uranus? I heard there is a black hole near Uranus.

Etymologycally. Hemorrhoid comes from the greek meaning “flow of blood”. Assteroids would mean “flow of shlt”, but then again Shlt doesn’t come from the greek it comes from Uranus. The scientific term, “Uranus’ bleeding,” refers to the one week in the year when a visible red streak follows Uranus’ path, a Hemorrhoid or Assteroid?


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