Agnostic Jokes 15

 

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Atheists say: Show me and I will trust you

God says: Trust me and I will show you

Agnostics say: Trust me, neither of you can show anybody anything.

 

On the other side of the coin:
Empirical argument/language argument against god:

a. We know all triangles have 3 sides
b. One cannot make definitional statements about God without showing He exists
c. because God is not empirically verifiable, we cannot make empirical statements about Him.
d. Therefore, talk of God is nonsense.

 

Only an agnostic will understand this:

Natural selection, which was at first considered as though it were a hypothesis that was in need of experimental or observational confirmation, turns out on closer inspection to be a tautology, a statement of an inevitable although previously unrecognized relation. It states that the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave the most offspring) will leave the most offspring. Once the statement is made, its truth is apparent. This fact in no way reduces the magnitude of Darwin’s achievement; only after it was clearly formulated, could biologists realize the enormous power of the principle as a weapon of explanation… hmmm

 

12 Signs You May Be Atheist Fundie…

1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday school. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.

2. You think that the primary aim of an Omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “the lack of belief in gods” and not just “belief that god does not exist”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

12. You think you are sticking it to theists (who actually identifies themselves as a theist?) by refusing to say Merry Christmas as a seasons greeting and reply smugly Happy Holidays having no idea holiday comes from holy day… And how is your day?

 

IT’S SO DRY today that:
the Catholics are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Presbyterians are using wet-wipes,
the Atheists are giving rain checks,
and the Agnostics are attempting the wine to turn back into water!

 

How to turn water into wine (and vice versa)  a TRUE MIRACLE!

The Amphora of Heron of Alexandria, the mathematician and inventor called o mechanikós, allows to pour either water or wine from the same vessel. The amphora is divided into two compartments by a vertical partition wall, while an opening leads the liquid from each compartment to a common spout at the foot. Inside the neck there is a round wall with small holes, like a sieve; and, at the top of each half, air holes have been made near the handles. If when the spout at the bottom is shut, wine is poured into the neck of the amphora, it can only fill the half whose air hole is open. Later the other half may be filled with water, using the same procedure. When the neck has been closed, either water or wine can be poured from the same spout, if the right air hole is obstructed with a finger. So people could be served either water or wine without having to carry 2 Amphora’s. Would truly be an amazing trick if you never seen it done before…

Water to wine

… Heron appears to have been the ‘go to man’ for thaumata (θαυματα) … a.k.a miracles. Yes he made them. But what was a miracle in Greece and the Greek controlled middle east in 200 BC?

According to the etymology of the word “miracle” comes from the Greek “wonderful” and it is this which causes admiration and wonder, a temporary event and rules can not be applied generally.

Today the word is defined as a supernatural occurance attributed to God, But back in the time of Christ it was just something wonderful.

Considering the information that it was known how to ‘CONvince’ others that you could turn water into wine, what is more likely to have occurred in the bible tale ?

1. That ‘Jesus’ performed an actual miracle and changed the water into wine.

OR

2. That ‘Jesus’ used Heron’s amphora and no miracle occurred. Ahh but not in the supernatural sense but the the true sense as in something wonderful. And somebody writing about it some 400 years later translated the event as a supernatural happening.

 

Think about this…

Oddly enough allowing same sex marriage will actually help eliminate gays, by keeping their genes out of the pool.

 

Makes me laugh how Atheists ridicule Theists and Agnostics about God, and then turn around and go to the local si-fi con and rationalize ghosts and aliens… WTF?

 

Atheist on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane seeing no parents close by and turned to her and said “do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers”

The girl stopped reading her book on Agnosticism and replied to the total stranger “What do you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know.” said the Atheist “How about how there is no god, heaven, hell and no life after death” Says the Atheist as he smiles smugly.

“Ok” She says “Those can be interesting topics but first let me ask you a question. A horse a deer and a cow all eat the same stuff…grass. But when they poop deer poop out pellets, Cows poop out a flat pattie, and horses poop out egg shaped clumps… Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist surprised at the young girl’s intelligent question is taken back, thinks about it and gives the first true answer he ever gave. “I don’t know…”

The girl looks at the Atheist and says: “Do you really think you’re qualified to talk about god, heaven, hell and the afterlife when clearly by your own admission, you don’t know shit?”

An Atheist Mouthpiece

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“Meet just one of those people”
Penn Jillette

“We aren’t people who believe that just because we’re performers our opinions on everything need to be known.”― Penn Jillette

“I have to agree with that statement too bad he doesn’t take his own advice and I would add it is better to be silent and thought a fool then to open your mouth and remove all doubt”

You don’t have to be brave or a saint, a martyr, or even very smart to be an atheist. All you have to be able to say is “I don’t know”.”
― Penn Jillette, God, No!: Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales

“Is it just me or would that make you an agnostic, just imagine an atheist who just admits he does not know?

“We knew that we were kind of odd and creeps, and we wanted to do odd, creepy stuff for people who wanted to see that”.― Penn Jillette

“And now he spouts off every chance he gets just to get his gob in the media, whatever works I guess. Controversy sells.”

“Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around. If you’re looking for violent rape imagery, the Bible’s right there in your hotel room. If you just want to look up ways to screw people up, there it is, and you’re justified because God told you to.”― Penn Jillette

“If that’s not about 5 logical fallacies in one statement and deserving of one face palm I don’t know what is.”

“I’m a hardcore libertarian – I want everything legal – but I also believe that you have the right to free association.”― Penn Jillette

I’m guessing that applies to everything but religion…

“Atheism is a religion like not collecting stamps is a hobby.”
― Penn Jillette

“If there’s something you really want to believe, that’s what you should question the most.” ― Penn Jillette
Kinda like a belief that there is no god?

“God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.”― Penn Jillette

He knows this how?

I believe that there is no God. I’m beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy — you can’t prove a negative, so there’s no work to do.
I’m saying, “This I believe: I believe there is no God.”― Penn Jillette

Now he wants to be a believer… https://agnostichumor.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/coin-toss/

Atheists are also morally obligated to tell the truth as we see it.

I wonder what truth do the know about god exactly?

We should preach and proselytize too.

Nobody talks more about god than someone who is in denial about his existance.

We need to help believers. Someone who believes in god is wasting big parts of his or her life, holding back science and love, and giving “moral” support to dangerous extremists.

Believers need your help like they need to see another card trick.

If you believe something, you must share it; it’s one of the ways we all learn about truth.― Penn Jillette

And the truth is

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And everything else out of his gob is just rhetoric.

 

 

 

Agnostic Jokes 14

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An atheist, an agnostic, and a Christian walk into a bar…

Bartender asks, “Is this a joke?”

Christian says, “I’ll buy you a beer.” Agnostic says, “I don’t know.” Atheist says, “I don’t believe in beer…but I will if you buy me one!”

Christian says, “What kind of beer do you drink.” Agnostic says, “Which beer is the best?” Atheist says, “None of them!”

Later on the Christian says, “I believe it’s the agnostics turn pay the bill.” Agnostic says, “I’m not sure I can pay the bill.” Atheist runs out the door, saying, “As long as I can’t see the bill, there is no bill to pay!”

Christian says, “Let’s have another round.” Agnostic says, “Again, I don’t know.” Atheist says, “There is no beer.”

The atheist finally offers to buy the others a standard measure of ethyl alcohol infused liquid that induces an intesified jovial social experience followed by soporific state. By the time he has finished saying all this, the agnostic and the Christian are already on their third round and having a fun time.

The Christian says, “God will provide me with a beer.” The atheist wonders if maybe a god could provide him one. The agnostic buys her own beer, and is the only one with a beer at the end of the night

The agnostic drives the group home. Before long, a highway patrolman pulls them over. The Christian prays, “Oh God, I believe you’ll save us from this ticket.” The atheist warns, “Well, that cop will use a test to verify the sobriety of the driver. I can assure you there will be no ticket.” The agnostic, stressing out over whether or not there will be a ticket, throws up out the window and onto the cop. The cop says, “Good Lord man! I believe you need to step out of the car. NOW!” The atheist exclaims, “What do you know? The cop’s a religious man too!”

 

 Agnostic Question1

A Christian was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, “I think not.” And he vanished.

An Agnostic was also sitting at the bar. After the Christian vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, “Did you see that?” To which Agnostic replied, “I can’t be certain.”

The bartender then noticed the Atheist was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. The Atheist replied, “I lack a belief.” The bartender says “Lack of Belief? What does that even mean?”

Agnostic Question1

 

An Atheist, an Agnostic and a Christian are sitting in a street café drinking beer and watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Agnostic: “One of the two measurements wasn’t very accurate.”
The Christian: “They have reproduced”.
The Atheist: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”

 

Agnostic Question1

 

The three umpires at an amateur baseball game, a Christian, an Agnostic and an Atheist during the week, all call a player out on what could only be described as a close call. The coach of the player who thought he’d made the base asked the umpires why they’d called his player out.
The Christian replied “He’s out ’cause I called it as it was.”
The Agnostic replied “He’s out ’cause I called it like I saw it.”
The Atheist replied “He’s out ’cause I called him out.”

 

Agnostic Question1

 

A Christian chicken farmer wanting to maximize his egg production asked for quotes from an Atheist and an Agnostic to build a chicken coop. The Christian says, “Well, last time I had 1000 chickens and my coop was 100 x 10 and now I have 100,000 chickens so I’ll need a much bigger coop” The Agnostic tackles the problem by surverying, costing materials, reading up on chickens and their needs, writing down a bunch of equations to maximise chicken-to-egg ratio, taking into account the lay of the land and writing a computer program to solve any issues. The Atheist looks at the problem and says, “Let’s start by assuming spherical chickens….”

 Agnostic Question1

A Christian, an Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black. The rest I’m not sure about”

 

Agnostic Question1

 

Why did the agnostic throw her watch out the window?
She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.

 

Agnostic Question1

 

A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

Finally, the cabbie says, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”

“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me.”

“Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic.”

The cab driver says, “Yes, I am single, and I’m Catholic, too!”

The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.

“My dear child, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess — I’m married and I’m Atheist.”

“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name is Kevin, and I’m a Rainbow Atheist, I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

 

Agnostic Quotes 2

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If there is no God what’s the point of an atheist?

 

An atheist’s very existence depends upon the very God the try to discredit. And the irony is, this god is all they talk about…

If there is no god where does crunchy peanut butter come from?

Is trying to provide proof to an atheist harder than knocking a dog off a meat wagon?

 

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.
Thomas Aquinas

Do all people have the right to stupidity but atheist fundies just abuse the privilege?

 

Like saying we are all born atheist!! How stupid is that?
When I was born agnostic I was so dumbfounded I didn’t even talk for a year and a half. Let alone tell everyone I didn’t believe in a god I never even knew existed.

Seems somebody does not know the difference between belief and knowledge, it’s like what separates atheist from agnostic.

Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining. I know what I don’t know and I know damn well you don’t know and you know it!
Agnostic gnostic proverb

 

Does anyone talk more about god than an atheist fundie who does not believe in god?

“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”

– Winston Churchill.

 

“Does god exist, does consciousness exist, do they both coexist or non-exist? They are one and the same.”

 

Agnostics is just not being so open minded that your brain falls out.
It’s the difference between a theological belief in Noah
And an Atheist fundie with Noah Brains.

Was the first prototype for god an agnostic? But recalled when the nails would not stay in?

 

Are atheists even in their right minds? A brain has two parts: the left part and the right part. The atheist fundie left brain has nothing right, while the atheist right brain has nothing left..

 

Atheist have the answers to everything and the solution to nothing.

Agnostic Humor 13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Atheist’s seem to lose their collective shit any time I tell them evolution is just a theory they treat it as if it is a commandment rather than a Theory. And then they come back with these rants on Oh ya if you think Evolution is a theory then you must think gravity is just a theory and then they start. I’ll stop and let you look at some Pics. And you decide for yourself.

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At first glance the little pseudointellectual scientists makes you think they are quite correct and the use of science to put down religion seems to work. Although I’m not sure what science has to do with religion.

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But rather me waste my time trying to argue with morons I’ll just let Sir Issac speak for himself.

 

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Yes indeed Gravity is a Law not a Theory…

 

Newton’s law of universal gravitation

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Newton’s law of universal gravitation states that every point mass in the universe attracts every other point mass with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. (Separately it was shown that large spherically symmetrical masses attract and are attracted as if all their mass were concentrated at their centers.)
So there you have it proof positive Atheists have no mass between their ears 🙂
Another Atheist Favorite is

-That which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence.- Christopher Hitchens.

– An opinion offered when asked, can be accepted or dismissed with no evidence necessary. – Thats all I have to say.

 

I have listened to Atheists talk about how bad Christians are and how ignorant they are for believing in a God they cannot see. All the while holding up a lack of belief as if, it is somehow a valid position or moral compass and say you don’t need a God to be good.

Catholics started hospitals to care for the sick, they established orphanages and help the poor. They are the largest charitable organization on the planet, they educate more children than another scholarly or religious institution. They developed the Scientific Method and Laws of Evidence. They founded the College system Great Cities were named after their Saints. There are schools of Theology in almost every major university in the world.

No I don’t think you need a God to be good but that being said there is nothing wrong with faith. I have never seen an Atheist soup kitchen or even so much as a Preschool of Atheism and maybe they will name a great City after Hitchens but I lack a belief in that. But I did name my litter box after him after all he did like the Scotch too much and ended up shit faced quite often and he saw nothing wrong with beastiality God bless his soul. So with this you kill 2 birds with one stone so to speak.

Before you get on your keyboard and tell everyone how right and smart you are why not show everyone? Your actions will speak louder than any words you can contrive. Yes I know Atheists have a lack of belief and the haters are going to hate but…

An opinion with a lack of knowledge is called ignorance.

As an Agnostic I can only say that, I do not know, now ask yourself how much truth and wisdom is in that answer?

 

My rant is done 🙂