An atheist, an agnostic, and a Christian walk into a bar…
Bartender asks, “Is this a joke?”
Christian says, “I’ll buy you a beer.” Agnostic says, “I don’t know.” Atheist says, “I don’t believe in beer…but I will if you buy me one!”
Christian says, “What kind of beer do you drink.” Agnostic says, “Which beer is the best?” Atheist says, “None of them!”
Later on the Christian says, “I believe it’s the agnostics turn pay the bill.” Agnostic says, “I’m not sure I can pay the bill.” Atheist runs out the door, saying, “As long as I can’t see the bill, there is no bill to pay!”
Christian says, “Let’s have another round.” Agnostic says, “Again, I don’t know.” Atheist says, “There is no beer.”
The atheist finally offers to buy the others a standard measure of ethyl alcohol infused liquid that induces an intesified jovial social experience followed by soporific state. By the time he has finished saying all this, the agnostic and the Christian are already on their third round and having a fun time.
The Christian says, “God will provide me with a beer.” The atheist wonders if maybe a god could provide him one. The agnostic buys her own beer, and is the only one with a beer at the end of the night
The agnostic drives the group home. Before long, a highway patrolman pulls them over. The Christian prays, “Oh God, I believe you’ll save us from this ticket.” The atheist warns, “Well, that cop will use a test to verify the sobriety of the driver. I can assure you there will be no ticket.” The agnostic, stressing out over whether or not there will be a ticket, throws up out the window and onto the cop. The cop says, “Good Lord man! I believe you need to step out of the car. NOW!” The atheist exclaims, “What do you know? The cop’s a religious man too!”
A Christian was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, “I think not.” And he vanished.
An Agnostic was also sitting at the bar. After the Christian vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, “Did you see that?” To which Agnostic replied, “I can’t be certain.”
The bartender then noticed the Atheist was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. The Atheist replied, “I lack a belief.” The bartender says “Lack of Belief? What does that even mean?”
An Atheist, an Agnostic and a Christian are sitting in a street café drinking beer and watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Agnostic: “One of the two measurements wasn’t very accurate.”
The Christian: “They have reproduced”.
The Atheist: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”
The three umpires at an amateur baseball game, a Christian, an Agnostic and an Atheist during the week, all call a player out on what could only be described as a close call. The coach of the player who thought he’d made the base asked the umpires why they’d called his player out.
The Christian replied “He’s out ’cause I called it as it was.”
The Agnostic replied “He’s out ’cause I called it like I saw it.”
The Atheist replied “He’s out ’cause I called him out.”
A Christian chicken farmer wanting to maximize his egg production asked for quotes from an Atheist and an Agnostic to build a chicken coop. The Christian says, “Well, last time I had 1000 chickens and my coop was 100 x 10 and now I have 100,000 chickens so I’ll need a much bigger coop” The Agnostic tackles the problem by surverying, costing materials, reading up on chickens and their needs, writing down a bunch of equations to maximise chicken-to-egg ratio, taking into account the lay of the land and writing a computer program to solve any issues. The Atheist looks at the problem and says, “Let’s start by assuming spherical chickens….”
A Christian, an Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black. The rest I’m not sure about”
Why did the agnostic throw her watch out the window?
She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
Finally, the cabbie says, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”
“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me.”
“Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic.”
The cab driver says, “Yes, I am single, and I’m Catholic, too!”
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.
“My dear child, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess — I’m married and I’m Atheist.”
“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name is Kevin, and I’m a Rainbow Atheist, I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”
There are three people applying for the same job. One is a Christian, one an Atheist, and one an Agnostic. The interviewing committee first calls in the Christian. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?” The Christian, without hesitation, says “1000.”
The committee sends him out and calls in the Atheist. When the Atheist comes in, they ask the same question. The Atheist ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.” He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the Agnostic enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?” The Atheist replies, “what would you like it to be?”
What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.
What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.
An Atheist and an Agnostic are discussing his lack of belief in god, when the atheist of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The agnostic guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the agnostic says “OK, now what?”
An agnostic and an Atheist were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night the Agnostic woke the Atheist up and said: “Look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” The Atheist replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” The Agnostic said: “And what do you deduce from that?” The Atheist replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And the Agnostic said: “You idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Two buddies an Agnostic and an Atheist were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, the Agnostic and the Atheist discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was a heaven and did they play baseball there.
One summer night, the Agnostic passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy the Atheist awoke to the sound of the Agnostic’s voice from beyond. “Agnostic is that you?” Atheist asked. “Of course it me,” the Agnostic replied.
“This is unbelievable!” the Atheist exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
The Atheist excitedly replies, “Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Atheist.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said,
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The agnostic song leader who was filling in for the day for his friend then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”
Being an agnostic I am not totally ignorant to other people when it comes to faith I go to church with my wife at Christmas and Easter not because I believe, but because I am considerate of others beliefs.
Coming out of church one Christmas day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my hand and pulled me aside.
The Pastor said,”You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
I replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
I whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.
Three women die A Christian an Atheist and an Agnostic and are at the gates of heaven and St. Peter pops up and says “Before you enter heaven you must each answer one question correctly”.
The agnostic was asked “Who was the first man on earth?” to which she replied “I don’t know” and was allowed into heaven.
The Christian was asked “Who was the first woman on earth?” to which she replied “Eve” and was allowed into heaven.
The Atheist was asked “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” to which she replied “Ohh! That’s a hard one.”
With so much turmoil in the world, God decided to pay a visit to earth to check things out. He strolled into a bar and approached the first man he saw. “If you believe in me enough to give me $50,” he said, “I will grant you eternal life.”
“Sorry, I’m an atheist,” the fellow replied, “and have never believed in God.”
God walked up to another man and made the same offer. “Well, I’m an agnostic and not really sure if I believe in you or not,” the guy said, “but here’s 50 bucks, just in case.”
As the Lord turned away, a third man ran up to him. “I’m Pat Robertson and don’t really care if you’re God or not,” he said excitedly. “Just teach me the trick you did with the agnostic and I’ll give you $100.”
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
the man goes over and says “oh what cute kittens!” the boy replies “yes they are Atheist kittens“. About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says “my, those are just adorable!” the boy replies “yes, they are Agnostic kittens” the man asks “wait, weren’t they Atheist before?” the boy looks at the man and says” yeah but they have their eyes open now”
An Atheist is rowing his boat on Loch Ness when he spots the infamous huge monster moving straight at him. As Nessie towers and lunges at him, the Atheist shouts, “Please God, help me!” Time freezes. A voice from heaven asks, “Why should I help you now? You didn’t even believe in me five seconds ago.” The Atheist replies, “Hey, give me a break. Five seconds ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!”
A) How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
B) I don’t know, how many agnostics does it take?
C) I don’t know.
An agnostic dies and finds himself being greeted by Moses and Mohammed.
‘How is it I got here? I didn’t believe’, asks the agnostic.
‘Well’, says Moses, ‘it is not what you believe, it is how you lived. Anyway follow me’.
As they walk along Moses points out the Jews, the Muslims, and Buddhists. They came up to a wall and as the agnostic starts to ask another question, Moses whispers, ‘Quiet, on the other side are the Christians, and they don’t think anyone else is up here’..
Christians run a restaurant called Belief. It’s a place to place an order get what you want and you always get what you pay for.
Atheists run a restaurant called Dogmatic Rhetoric. It’s a place where they decide what you want and you have two choices, take it or leave it.
Agnostic’s run a restaurant called Karma. It’s a place where there is no need to place any order. You are automatically served what you deserve.
If you ever want a laugh and see an atheists eyes glaze over just ask an atheist for proof that aliens exist. For some reason they do not believe in God but almost to a person they believe in aliens… And when they start defending their alien beliefs they use the same defense as Christians use for God its funny as shit. Try it for yourself. The best answer I got was … Do you actually think for one second that all the people who seen UFO’s and have been abducted are lying? EVERYONE is just liars? Is that what you think? My only answer was. You think that all the millions of people who claim to see God and speak to God every day and the miracles credited to God are all Lies? Is that what you think?
While we are on the subject…
George Bernard Shaw once famously quipped, “We learn from history that we learn nothing from history”. This quote is fitting to this piece of evidence that suggests the UFO phenomenon has been around as long as human civilization has existed and yet it is consistently dismissed. Today many UFO sightings are often explained away as being the US military testing some new technological weapon or plane, but this explanation cannot be used in a time when human flight was impossible.
The painting above is titled “The Madonna with Saint Giovannino” and dates back to around the 15th century. The painting depicts the Virgin Mary in the foreground, and in the background is what appears to be a man looking up in awe at an object that is strikingly similar to our modern day perception of a UFO.
This is not the only example of UFOs in ancient art. There are literally hundreds of examples of objects in the sky in many paintings spanning across the centuries. Strangely, the majority of the paintings depict UFOS in connection with a spiritual figure or experience. This could be how the people of the period interpreted the things they were seeing or perhaps there is a literal connection between the spiritual and UFOs.
Erich von Däniken, author of the famous and controversial Chariots of The Gods, suggests that our gods and angles maybe intelligent aliens. In the Old Testament, The Book of Ezekiel discusses an encounter with a strange flying object made of metal that took the shape of a wheel. Inside were four living creatures that looked like humans. Many people believe the Bible to be the literal word of God; it should be especially hard for those people to ignore this evidence. It is the Gospel after all.
Many may have a hard time taking the theories of Däniken seriously, but even respected astrophysicist Carl Sagan believed that we should seriously consider the possibility that extraterrestrial contact occurred in the past, so we should not completely dismiss this idea.
Three days into the Apollo 11 flight the astronauts on board sent a strange message to mission control asking, “Do you have any idea where the S-4B is with respect to us?” The astronauts were asking where the final stage of the rocket was, which had been detached two days prior. The reason for this inquiry was because something was riding along side of the rocket and if it wasn’t part of the rocket, Apollo 11 had a visitor.
The crew on board did not want to make a big deal out of the object for fear that it would cause a panic and mission control would order the astronauts to abandon the mission. “The three of us were not going to blurt out, ‘hey Houston we got something moving along side of us and we don’t know what it is’ we weren’t about to do that…someone might of demanded we turn back because of aliens or whatever it is,” said astronaut Buzz Aldrin when discussing the situation at a later date.
Mission control did answer the astronaut’s cryptic question about the location of the S-4b unit. The unit was 6,000 miles from their location. What Aldrin and the other three astronauts were looking at was an Unidentified Flying Object exhibiting an intelligent flight path. In fact, according to Dr. David Baker, an Apollo 11 Senior Scientist, astronauts seeing UFOs is not uncommon and dates back to the early earth orbit space flights.
If your friend who works at the video store claims to have seen a sea monster, his story has very little credibility. If an experienced Naval Captain claims to have seen a sea monster then his sighting has tremendous credibility. If experienced and respected astronauts are seeing evidence of intelligent life outside of Earth it should also be taken very seriously.
In 1977, at Ohio Sate University, The Big Ear radio telescope picked up an unusual signal. Big Ear used numbers and letters to determine the strength of a signal, 0 being meaningless noise and Z being a strong radio signal. An astronomer, Dr. Jerry R. Ehman, studying the data from the telescope was shocked when a radio signal clocking in at ‘6EQUJ5’ came from a seemingly empty spot in space. Ehman was so shocked that he circled the signal on the data sheet and simply wrote ‘Wow’.
The transmission lasted 37 seconds and came from the Sagittarius constellation. Even more interesting is the fact that the nearest star in that specific direction is 220 million light years away. In other words, the signal came from an empty spot in space. It is also interesting to note that the signal had all the characteristics of an interstellar broadcast.
Some have tried to explain that the signal is somehow of an Earthly origin, but this seems unlikely as the signal was in a frequency that is internationally banned on Earth. The conclusion that has the most evidence going for it is that it is of an extraterrestrial origin, and because there are no stars near where the signal was found one can conclude that it came from a spacecraft manned by intelligent entities.
N = the number of civilizations in our galaxy with which communication might be possible;
R* = the average rate of star formation per year in our galaxy
ƒp = the fraction of those stars that have planets
ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets
ƒℓ = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop life at some point
fi = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop intelligent life
ƒc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space
L = the length of time such civilizations release detectable signals into space.
Radio astronomer Frank Drake developed the Drake equation so he could estimate the number of planets harboring intelligent life in the galaxy by taking into consideration the factors listed above. A rigorous estimate using the Drake Equation was implemented in 2001, which also took into consideration the number of planets that are in the habitable zone (The habitable zone is an area around a star were water is in liquid form, temperature is ideal, and photosynthesis is possible). The results found that hundreds of thousands of life-bearing planets statistically should exist. It also suggested that a habitable planet like the Earth should exist just a few hundred light years away.
I find it unfair if I did not now also give equal mention to the Fermi paradox. The Fermi paradox states that if so many planets exist with intelligent life why is there a lack of contact between the intelligent life and us and why is there such a lack of physical evidence of said intelligent life. The paradox exists in that the Drake equation statistically proves life should be abundant and yet physical evidence says otherwise. It is hard to combat the arguments from the Fermi paradox except that some physical evidence does exist as you can see from this writing.
In 2003, astronomers with the search for extraterrestrial intelligence (SETI) used a massive telescope to examine sections of the sky where they had previously found unexplained radio signals. They found another radio signal that was even stronger than what they had previously found.
The signal came from an area in space where there are no planets or stars and strangely was at a frequency that hydrogen absorbs, ensuring that the signal would be strong and could travel great distances. The signal was detected on three separate occasions.
“The signal is moving rapidly in frequency and you would expect that to happen if you are looking at a transmitter on a planet that’s rotating very rapidly and where the civilization is not correcting the transmission for the motion of the planet,” Says USB researcher Eric Korpela. Considering the signal operates as if it is intelligently operated and the fact that it was detected multiple times one has to consider this SETI signal the best candidate for proof of intelligent life on other planets.
These are not proofs of Alien existance of course there are none the claim that these highly suggest the possibility 🙂 Like the bible highly suggests the existence of god same idea. And both have been debunked The God by Zietgiest and the aliens by the ancient aliens debunked. and in turn Zietgiest has been debunked by the documentary Zietgiest debunked.
But what does stand up is the drake equation. now instead of employing the drake equation to support aliens use it to support god…
ARGUMENT FROM “LET’S JUST NOT BELIEVE”
- All belief systems should be treated the same as the scientific one.
- [Theist: Why?]
- Because they have their own grounds.
- Anyway, that’s my experience of how the world works.
- [Theist: It’s not mine. And why should you treat claims of UFOs and aliens more seriously than claims of God’s existence?]
- I believe there are UFOs and aliens.
- But I don’t believe in God.
- Therefore, God doesn’t exist.
ARGUMENT FROM ALIENS
- I was once abducted by aliens.
- The Bible doesn’t say anything about aliens.
- If aliens exist, then God doesn’t.
- You’ve seen the X-files, haven’t you?
- Therefore, God doesn’t exist.
What separates an atheist and a theist, the “Space”? A bit of nothing between the two?
Atheist & A theist nothing but a space to differentiate the two.
Theism/atheism is about beliefs and believers
Atheism believes there is no god, A theist believes there is a god
Atheists will say I do not believe in god like that’s any kind of distinction in the real world. Like a belief that there is no god, is somehow not a belief…
gnostic/agnostic is about knowledge
Thinking is always good.
People here are trying to make you believe one way or the other….
Make believe is not so good.
Knowing the difference is wisdom
And wisdom is knowing that you know nothing.
All agnostic say is I don’t know and I know you don’t know either.
No lie in that statement is there? You really don’t know do you? You just believe. Seems like a lot to do about nothing really.
I believe aliens exist vs. I believe aliens don’t exist.
Is one a alien and the other aalien? Or does alien mean without a lien? Someone who is debt free?
Well if jumping to conclusions was an Olympic event you would win gold. I’m agnostic … I’m the guy who does not know or pretend to know what ignorant people are sure off. Neither of you know anything you believe or don’t believe, which is make believe.
Are their aliens and pink unicorns in my room?
Is god behind me I don’t know. Why don’t I know because unlike the pink unicorn or lion I don’t know what it looks like so I would not know if I tripped over god or not would I? So until somebody can define god as well as they have a pink unicorn I do not have enough data to warrant a definitive answer. So I just say hey I don’t know.
Now the little green Martians from the 60 and 70’s we must have gotten a newer version alien 2.0 or something in the 80’s because we shifted from green to grey alien grey guys with the buggy eyes. Green to grey in 40 years or so and I dig the new ship upgrades. Did they build them here or take the materials with them in the Mylar ships in the 70’s that crashed in Roswell?
So I have a definition of aliens and none in the room and I don’t know if they exist Just like the pink unicorns , them thar pink horses with one horn… Who picked pink.. must be an atheist thing.
Unlike god or lions.
Lions – 0% in room – 100% exist
Unicorns 0% in room – unknown exist
Aliens 0% in room – unknown exist
God unknown in room – unknown exist
See how comparing unicorns, faeries and aliens to compared to god just does not quite match up? Kind of like comparing apples to oranges. The Devil is in the details… 🙂
Are atheist fundies a force of good…for nothing?
Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious that they are non-believers and merely deny the existence of god with no proof to support their POV. In fact, “atheist” is a term that should not ever exist. No one ever needs to identify himself as a “non-astronaut” or a “non-rocket scientist”. We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle and crash in Roswell because they forgot brakes. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs. An atheist is simply a person who believes that the world of theists claiming to “never doubt the existence of God” should be obliged to present evidence for his existence-and, indeed, for his BENEVOLENCE, to this snivelling minority of pseudo scientists are smug in the knowledge of nothing but non-belief or shall we say a lack there of.
What do theists and atheists think an agnostic is anyways?
I’m agnostic there is no side… I’m not the neutral between two believers I’m the opposite of gnostic. I’m with the Dept. of Knowledge not the Ministry of Belief…or Lack of Belief. We deal with truth not faith… And the truth is “I don’t know”… and the gnostic would say, “And I know you don’t know either” (And an atheist would tell you this is a militant agnostic…) and that would be the truth. But you each have faith your right and believe it to be true. You are both fine until you cross the line into reality which is truth.
The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.
Agnostic, Christian, Atheist walking through a field come upon a farmer.
The farmer asks what is the best way to construct a fence that will contain his livestock (ie., most area for least perimeter). The Christian prays for guidance and concludes that the best way to do this is a square fence. The Atheist looks at him and laughs. “No, the best way is a circle”. The Christian concedes and they start building the fence.
The Agnostic just sits there for a while and eventually stands up, puts a small piece around himself and says “I declare myself to be outside”.
An Agnostic school teacher walking with his grade 12 class in a park come upon three men he knows arguing about the existence of God.
The first man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my belief in god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument
The second man comes over and says George you are a wise man these two fools say my lack of belief in god is wrong what do you think? George says “You are right to have a lack of belief in God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.
The third man comes over and says George you are a wise man and agnostic like myself these two fools say they know if god exists or does not what do you think? George says “You are right who knows if there is a God.” He smile and goes back to the argument.
Back at the school the students confront their teacher saying “all three of the men in the park came and asked your opinion on god and you agreed with all three why did you lie to them?” I did not lie to them says George told each in turn they were right.” “But why they cannot be all right?” Says one Student “But of course not, but you must understand, None of the three really wanted my opinion they just wanted me to agree with them.”
Agnostic, Christian, Atheist were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, It was God no question. It says so in the bible.”
The Atheist said, “No, it was evolution. It says so in science.”
The Agnostic said, “Actually it must have been an atheist. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, an atheist boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? Because I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.” There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.” So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God smiles at the Atheist and a voice booms out again: “Okay …
.. NOW you’re screwed.”
What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.
A Christian, a Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”
What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.
An Atheist, a Theist, an Agnostic, and a Gnostic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The Gnostic chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The Atheist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The Christian chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols and allowing the bible to be written.
The Agnostic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked.
“Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes — so what?”
“Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. That little bottle — how does it know?”
A Christian physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks an Atheist math professor to look at it.
A week later, the Atheist math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the Christian physics professor has used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent results, so he asks the Atheist math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Atheist math professor tells the Christian physics professor the equation does work, “But only in the trivial case where the numbers are real and positive.”
Atheism is Christianity without thought.
Agnostics is Christianity without purpose.
Atheists are more confused than an Amish electrician on the subject of God!
An Atheist asks an Agnostic a question, “Here are 5 birds in the tree, if I shoot one, how many are left?”
The Agnostic answers, “0, since the birds will all fly away when they hear the gunshot.”
“The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think” said the Atheist.
The Agnostic then says, “Well then, I will ask you a question. Three Christian women are sitting on the park bench eating ice cream. The first one is licking it, the second one swallows the ice cream and starts sucking on the cone, the third takes a bite out of the ice cream, which one is married?”
The Atheist smiles and answers: “The second one?”
The Agnostic then says, “Wrong, the answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.”
A Christian is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The Christian pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The Christian then says, “Well, I am a Christian, and some of my friends are Atheist. Please make all my Atheist friends have an open mind as an Agnostic.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
A Christian architect, an Agnostic hooker and an Atheist programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the Agnostic hooker.
“Ah,” said the Christian architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”
“What are you getting at, God?” The Agnostic hooker asked.
“And was He not the divine architect of the universe?” The Christian architect asked, looking smug.
The Atheist programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. “And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”
“Darkness and chaos,” the Agnostic hooker said.
“And who do you think created chaos?” the Atheist programmer said with an evil grin.
A Christian Pastor, an Agnostic and an Atheist were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The Atheist fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The Agnostic chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The Christian Pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment. The Christian Pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The Agnostic said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The Atheist said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don””t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”
An Atheist gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The Atheist goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”
The Atheist decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha! I’m the Atheist man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”
Three nuns went to a football game and three Atheists got stuck sitting behind them. The Atheists couldn’t see very well because of the nun’s little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.
”I think I’ll move to California, there’s only 50 Catholics there,” said the first Atheist.
“I think I’ll move to Washington, there’s only 25 Catholics there.”
“I think I’ll move to Idaho, there’s only 10 Catholics there.” Then one of the nuns turned around.
“Why don’t you three Atheists Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there.”
Why wasn’t Jesus born an Atheist?
Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin!
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil atheist leprechaun riding an invisible pink unicorn with a flying spaghetti monster overhead who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
“Look,” he said, “if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I’ll help you win.”
“Done,” shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and the three chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. “Hey,” said the little elf, “I have to have your name for my records. What is it?”
“Father Murphy,” grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
A priest from the local parish and an agnostic are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Go to Hell you religious freaks there is no god!” yelled the Atheist driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” said the agnostic to the priest, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead? I don’t know just asking…”
An Atheist burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.
The next day the atheist was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly Christian couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.
That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, the atheist drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
From out of the darkness a voice said. “I see you and Jesus sees you,”
The atheist burglar froze in his tracks.
“I see you and Jesus sees you,” the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
“I see you and Jesus sees you.” Says the parrot.
The atheist burglar laughed.
“Just a dumb bird,” he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that’s when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot’s perch.
“Sic him, Jesus!” the parrot said.
An evil psychiatrist kidnaps an Agnostic, a Christian, and an Atheist to see how their minds work. He locks them in separate cells with a year supply of canned beans and leaves. When he comes back in a year to check on his prisoners, he finds: Two of the three alive.
The Christian had collected rainwater to corrode the cans of beans so he could eat them and praised god for his good fortune. The Agnostic had taken apart his bed and made a crude can opener out of the parts. The Atheist was slouched on the floor, long since dead.
Written in blood beside the corpse read the following:
Theorem: If I don’t eat the beans I will die.
Proof: Assume the opposite and seek a contradiction.
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must an agnostic,” says the balloonist.
“I am an agnostic” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.”
The man below replies, “You be an atheist.”
“I am atheist,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?”
“Well”, says the agnostic, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
A young Agnostic and his Atheist Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Vancouver. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Agnostic are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, “It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”
The Atheist manager is sitting there thinking, “I didn’t know the young Agnostic was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”
The young woman was sitting and thinking, “I’m glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”
The young Agnostic sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, “Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Atheist manager all at the same time!”
An atheist is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. An agnostic walking by notices him and says
“Hey, don’t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn’t you see the giant warning on the box?!”
“That’s OK” says the atheist, puffing casually “I’m an atheist”
“So? What’s that got to do with anything?”
“We don’t care about warnings. We only care about proof.”
An Atheist and an Agnostic are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Atheist leans over to the Agnostic and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Agnostic just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Atheist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” Again, the Agnostic politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Atheist now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”
This catches the Agnostic’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Atheist asks the first question. “What’s the proof that god exists”
The Agnostic doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Atheist.
Now, it’s the Agnostic’s turn. He asks the Atheist, “How do you know God does not exist?” The Atheist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Agnostic and hands him $50. The Agnostic politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Atheist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Agnostic and asks, “Well, so what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the Agnostic reaches into his wallet, hands the Atheist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
A Christian and an Atheist have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with an Agnostic as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and the Agnostic announces that the contest is over. He asks the Atheist to show his work. Visibly upset, Atheist cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says the Agnostic, “let us see if the Christian has fared any better.”
The Christian presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
The Atheist is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Christian’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
Agnostic chuckles, “Dumb ass… everybody knows… Jesus saves.”
Once upon a time there was an Agnostic looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a Atheist dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Agnostic:
Atheist: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The Agnostic looks at the young Atheist, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
The young Atheist parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the Agnostic and says,
Atheist: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The Agnostic cheers,
Agnostic: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young Atheist makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The Agnostic looks at him and asks,
Agnostic: “If I guess your belief system, will you return my animal to me?”
The young Atheist answers;
Atheist: “Yes, why not?”
Agnostic: “You are an Atheist are you not?”
Atheist: “How did you know?”
Agnostic: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, NOW…can I have my DOG back?”
A Christian, Atheist, and Agnostic engage in a discussion on whose impact on the idea of the existence of God was the greatest.
Christian: “God told me I have the best supporting documentation in the world!”
Atheist: “Well, God told me that I have the best supporting documentation in the world!” With a sarcastic grin on his face.
Agnostic: “Wait, wait, I never said any of that.”
Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.
“My husband’s a Christian,” said the first. “He’s really strong and aggressive in bed and I can’t wait to accept it”
“My husband’s an Agnostic,” said the second. “He’s really gentle and sensitive. He doesn’t pretend to know it all and takes the time to hear what I have to say.”
“My husband’s an Atheist,” said the third. “He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it’s going to be when I finally get it.”
A group of Agnostics and Atheists were traveling to a debate on a train. Each of the Atheists had bought a ticket, but the Agnostics had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the Agnostics was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out “The conductor’s coming!” and all of the Agnostics piled into the train’s lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the Atheists, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called “Ticket please.” The Agnostics slid their one ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The Agnostics were laughing at the Atheists for the rest of the trip, and the Atheists felt like idiots.
On the way back, the Atheists decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the Agnostics didn’t buy a single ticket! Again, one of the Agnostics kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called “Conductor coming!” all of the Agnostics piled into one lavatory, and all of the Atheists shut themselves into another lavatory.
One Agnostic came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the Atheist door, and said “Ticket please!”
A Christian, a Jew, an Agnostic and an Atheist are standing in line to be executed during the French Revolution.
The Christian is first, and he lays down on the guillotine. Before the executioner pulls the lever he shouts, “My god will save me!”. The lever is pulled, and the blade swooshes down, stopping just short of his neck. The executioner, believing a miracle has occurred, figures he can’t kill this man, as so sets him free.
The Jew lays down on the guillotine. Like the christian, he shouts, “My god will save me!”. The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes God is on this man’s side, and lets him go.
The agnostic lays down on the guillotine. The lever is pulled, the blade falls, and once again it stops just short of his neck. The executioner, again, believes God is on this man’s side, and lets him go. He examines the guillotine, finds a rock in the gears, and says to the executioner, “Well here’s your problem…”
Executioner says “bring up the atheist”
Agnostic old guy with young girl
The priest was in a confessional when he heard someone entering the other side. He slid back the screen, but the confessor was silent. The priest said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” said the penitent at last. “I’m a seventy-two year old man, and I’m dating a 21 year old with hige breasts!
“That is not a sin,” the priest assured him.
“But I got her pregnant,” said the old man.
“I see,” said the priest. “This is serious. Are you a good Catholic?”
“Catholic? No, no. I’m agnostic,” said the man
“So why are you telling me all this?” asked the flustered priest.
The agnostic said, “Well, I’m telling everyone. Wouldn’t you?”
A diagnostic is someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods
Do all people have the right to stupidity but atheist fundies just abuse the privilege?
Like saying we are all born atheist!!
When I was born agnostic I was so dumbfounded I didn’t even talk for a year and a half. Let alone tell everyone I didn’t believe in a god I never even knew existed.
Atheist fundie quote:
“We were all born atheist because you didn’t even know who god was so how could you believe in him?” … Really?
Seems somebody does not know the difference between belief and knowledge, it’s like what separates atheist from agnostic.
Ya see you were born knowing nothing – Agnostic
You learned about god – Theist
Then you decided not to believe in god – Atheist
The you forgot the description of what it is you don’t believe in and demand the theist prove to you that you don’t believe it – atheist fundie…
That’s when you crossed the line from believing there is no god, to stupidity
Or is it a case of 99% of the atheists fundies making the rest look bad?
Why can’t atheist fundies get god out of their head?
Is he trapped in there? …or maybe god is supposed to be there… Maybe use your head and look in there
Dons anyone talk more about god than an atheist fundie who does not believe in god?
“A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”
– Winston Churchill.
I would ask
“Does god exist, does consciousness exist, do they both coexist or non-exist? They are one and the same.”
Are atheist fundies caught in a Bozone layer and emitting Dopeler Effect Radar?
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Why did God create agnostics before atheists?
My guess would be he didn’t want any stupid advice from a know-it-all?
I would add…
Atheism is prejudice made plausible
What’s the difference between fiction and atheism?
Fiction has to make sense. 🙂
Can an Agnostic not know something and an atheist fundie not understand it?
When you understand something, you cannot not know what you understand.
Like Richard Feynmann put it “If you say you understand quantum physics, you don’t understand quantum physics”
If atheists lack knowledge, they certainly do not understand. Knowing knowledge is not the highest form of wisdom; understanding is. Atheism is the state of learning opinions.
Agnosticism is the state of understanding wisdom. Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change. A wise man does not need advice and a fool won’t take it. An agnostic listens and an atheist fundie just waits until it is their turn to talk.
The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders.
What’s important to remember when making coffee for god?
It is very important not to mistake sugar for salt when making coffee, but to believe or not believe in God is not important at all, you can take belief with a grain of salt and your coffee black.
Why can an atheist fundie cite Scripture to no end for his purpose