There are three people applying for the same job. One is a Christian, one an Atheist, and one an Agnostic. The interviewing committee first calls in the Christian. They say “we have only one question. What is 500 plus 500?” The Christian, without hesitation, says “1000.”
The committee sends him out and calls in the Atheist. When the Atheist comes in, they ask the same question. The Atheist ponders the question for a moment, and then answers “1000… I’m 95% confident.” He is then also thanked for his time and sent on his way.
When the Agnostic enters the room, he is asked the same question: “what is 500 plus 500?” The Atheist replies, “what would you like it to be?”
What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for no reason.
What is the difference between a Christian, an Atheist, and an Agnostic?
A Christian chooses to believe in God despite science.
An Atheist lacks a belief in god because there is no scientific proof of it.
An Agnostic sees no connection between science and religion.
An Atheist and an Agnostic are discussing his lack of belief in god, when the atheist of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The agnostic guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the agnostic says “OK, now what?”
An agnostic and an Atheist were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night the Agnostic woke the Atheist up and said: “Look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” The Atheist replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” The Agnostic said: “And what do you deduce from that?” The Atheist replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And the Agnostic said: “You idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Two buddies an Agnostic and an Atheist were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, the Agnostic and the Atheist discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was a heaven and did they play baseball there.
One summer night, the Agnostic passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy the Atheist awoke to the sound of the Agnostic’s voice from beyond. “Agnostic is that you?” Atheist asked. “Of course it me,” the Agnostic replied.
“This is unbelievable!” the Atheist exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”
The Atheist excitedly replies, “Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Atheist.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said,
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down. The agnostic song leader who was filling in for the day for his friend then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says “get in, get in!” The religous man replies, ” no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.”
Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause “God will grant him a miracle.”
With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.” St. Peter chuckles and responds, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.”
Being an agnostic I am not totally ignorant to other people when it comes to faith I go to church with my wife at Christmas and Easter not because I believe, but because I am considerate of others beliefs.
Coming out of church one Christmas day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my hand and pulled me aside.
The Pastor said,”You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
I replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
I whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.