An atheist, an agnostic, and a Christian walk into a bar…
Bartender asks, “Is this a joke?”
Christian says, “I’ll buy you a beer.” Agnostic says, “I don’t know.” Atheist says, “I don’t believe in beer…but I will if you buy me one!”
Christian says, “What kind of beer do you drink.” Agnostic says, “Which beer is the best?” Atheist says, “None of them!”
Later on the Christian says, “I believe it’s the agnostics turn pay the bill.” Agnostic says, “I’m not sure I can pay the bill.” Atheist runs out the door, saying, “As long as I can’t see the bill, there is no bill to pay!”
Christian says, “Let’s have another round.” Agnostic says, “Again, I don’t know.” Atheist says, “There is no beer.”
The atheist finally offers to buy the others a standard measure of ethyl alcohol infused liquid that induces an intesified jovial social experience followed by soporific state. By the time he has finished saying all this, the agnostic and the Christian are already on their third round and having a fun time.
The Christian says, “God will provide me with a beer.” The atheist wonders if maybe a god could provide him one. The agnostic buys her own beer, and is the only one with a beer at the end of the night
The agnostic drives the group home. Before long, a highway patrolman pulls them over. The Christian prays, “Oh God, I believe you’ll save us from this ticket.” The atheist warns, “Well, that cop will use a test to verify the sobriety of the driver. I can assure you there will be no ticket.” The agnostic, stressing out over whether or not there will be a ticket, throws up out the window and onto the cop. The cop says, “Good Lord man! I believe you need to step out of the car. NOW!” The atheist exclaims, “What do you know? The cop’s a religious man too!”
A Christian was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, “I think not.” And he vanished.
An Agnostic was also sitting at the bar. After the Christian vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, “Did you see that?” To which Agnostic replied, “I can’t be certain.”
The bartender then noticed the Atheist was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. The Atheist replied, “I lack a belief.” The bartender says “Lack of Belief? What does that even mean?”
An Atheist, an Agnostic and a Christian are sitting in a street café drinking beer and watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Agnostic: “One of the two measurements wasn’t very accurate.”
The Christian: “They have reproduced”.
The Atheist: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”
The three umpires at an amateur baseball game, a Christian, an Agnostic and an Atheist during the week, all call a player out on what could only be described as a close call. The coach of the player who thought he’d made the base asked the umpires why they’d called his player out.
The Christian replied “He’s out ’cause I called it as it was.”
The Agnostic replied “He’s out ’cause I called it like I saw it.”
The Atheist replied “He’s out ’cause I called him out.”
A Christian chicken farmer wanting to maximize his egg production asked for quotes from an Atheist and an Agnostic to build a chicken coop. The Christian says, “Well, last time I had 1000 chickens and my coop was 100 x 10 and now I have 100,000 chickens so I’ll need a much bigger coop” The Agnostic tackles the problem by surverying, costing materials, reading up on chickens and their needs, writing down a bunch of equations to maximise chicken-to-egg ratio, taking into account the lay of the land and writing a computer program to solve any issues. The Atheist looks at the problem and says, “Let’s start by assuming spherical chickens….”
A Christian, an Atheist and an Agnostic (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
“How interesting,” observed the Christian “all scottish sheep are black!”
To which the Atheist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”
The Agnostic gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black. The rest I’m not sure about”
Why did the agnostic throw her watch out the window?
She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
Finally, the cabbie says, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”
“My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me.”
“Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic.”
The cab driver says, “Yes, I am single, and I’m Catholic, too!”
The nun says, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.
“My dear child, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess — I’m married and I’m Atheist.”
“That’s OK,” says the nun. “My name is Kevin, and I’m a Rainbow Atheist, I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”