Agnostic Jokes 15

 

Paradox_d0bab6_3580956

Atheists say: Show me and I will trust you

God says: Trust me and I will show you

Agnostics say: Trust me, neither of you can show anybody anything.

 

On the other side of the coin:
Empirical argument/language argument against god:

a. We know all triangles have 3 sides
b. One cannot make definitional statements about God without showing He exists
c. because God is not empirically verifiable, we cannot make empirical statements about Him.
d. Therefore, talk of God is nonsense.

 

Only an agnostic will understand this:

Natural selection, which was at first considered as though it were a hypothesis that was in need of experimental or observational confirmation, turns out on closer inspection to be a tautology, a statement of an inevitable although previously unrecognized relation. It states that the fittest individuals in a population (defined as those which leave the most offspring) will leave the most offspring. Once the statement is made, its truth is apparent. This fact in no way reduces the magnitude of Darwin’s achievement; only after it was clearly formulated, could biologists realize the enormous power of the principle as a weapon of explanation… hmmm

 

12 Signs You May Be Atheist Fundie…

1. You became an atheist when you were 10 years old, based on ideas of God that you learned in Sunday school. Your ideas about God haven’t changed since.

2. You think that the primary aim of an Omni-benevolent God is for people to have FUN.

3. Although you’ve memorized a half a dozen proofs that He doesn’t exist, you still think you’re God’s gift to the ignorant masses.

4. You believe the astronomical size of the universe somehow disproves God, as if God needed a tiny universe in order to exist.

5. You spend hours arguing that atheism actually means “the lack of belief in gods” and not just “belief that god does not exist”, as if this is a meaningful distinction in real life.

6. You can make the existence of pink unicorns the center-piece of a philosophical critique.

7. You’re a spoiled fifteen year old boy who lives in the suburbs and you go into a chat room to declare that, “I know there is no God because no loving God would allow anyone to suffer as much as I…hold on. My cell phone’s ringing.”

8. You believe that if something cannot be touched, seen, heard, or measured in some way, then it must not exist, yet you fail to see the irony of your calling Christians “narrow-minded”.

9. You believe that priests are only in it for the money, despite the fact that they make less than almost anyone else with their level of education.

10. Your only knowledge of The Bible comes from searching ‘bible contradictions’ in Google.

11. You believe the movie Dogma gives the most accurate portrayal of Christian theology.

12. You think you are sticking it to theists (who actually identifies themselves as a theist?) by refusing to say Merry Christmas as a seasons greeting and reply smugly Happy Holidays having no idea holiday comes from holy day… And how is your day?

 

IT’S SO DRY today that:
the Catholics are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Presbyterians are using wet-wipes,
the Atheists are giving rain checks,
and the Agnostics are attempting the wine to turn back into water!

 

How to turn water into wine (and vice versa)  a TRUE MIRACLE!

The Amphora of Heron of Alexandria, the mathematician and inventor called o mechanikós, allows to pour either water or wine from the same vessel. The amphora is divided into two compartments by a vertical partition wall, while an opening leads the liquid from each compartment to a common spout at the foot. Inside the neck there is a round wall with small holes, like a sieve; and, at the top of each half, air holes have been made near the handles. If when the spout at the bottom is shut, wine is poured into the neck of the amphora, it can only fill the half whose air hole is open. Later the other half may be filled with water, using the same procedure. When the neck has been closed, either water or wine can be poured from the same spout, if the right air hole is obstructed with a finger. So people could be served either water or wine without having to carry 2 Amphora’s. Would truly be an amazing trick if you never seen it done before…

Water to wine

… Heron appears to have been the ‘go to man’ for thaumata (θαυματα) … a.k.a miracles. Yes he made them. But what was a miracle in Greece and the Greek controlled middle east in 200 BC?

According to the etymology of the word “miracle” comes from the Greek “wonderful” and it is this which causes admiration and wonder, a temporary event and rules can not be applied generally.

Today the word is defined as a supernatural occurance attributed to God, But back in the time of Christ it was just something wonderful.

Considering the information that it was known how to ‘CONvince’ others that you could turn water into wine, what is more likely to have occurred in the bible tale ?

1. That ‘Jesus’ performed an actual miracle and changed the water into wine.

OR

2. That ‘Jesus’ used Heron’s amphora and no miracle occurred. Ahh but not in the supernatural sense but the the true sense as in something wonderful. And somebody writing about it some 400 years later translated the event as a supernatural happening.

 

Think about this…

Oddly enough allowing same sex marriage will actually help eliminate gays, by keeping their genes out of the pool.

 

Makes me laugh how Atheists ridicule Theists and Agnostics about God, and then turn around and go to the local si-fi con and rationalize ghosts and aliens… WTF?

 

Atheist on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane seeing no parents close by and turned to her and said “do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers”

The girl stopped reading her book on Agnosticism and replied to the total stranger “What do you want to talk about?”

“Oh I don’t know.” said the Atheist “How about how there is no god, heaven, hell and no life after death” Says the Atheist as he smiles smugly.

“Ok” She says “Those can be interesting topics but first let me ask you a question. A horse a deer and a cow all eat the same stuff…grass. But when they poop deer poop out pellets, Cows poop out a flat pattie, and horses poop out egg shaped clumps… Why do you suppose that is?”

The Atheist surprised at the young girl’s intelligent question is taken back, thinks about it and gives the first true answer he ever gave. “I don’t know…”

The girl looks at the Atheist and says: “Do you really think you’re qualified to talk about god, heaven, hell and the afterlife when clearly by your own admission, you don’t know shit?”

Advertisements

An Atheist Mouthpiece

Penn-Jillette2

“Meet just one of those people”
Penn Jillette

“We aren’t people who believe that just because we’re performers our opinions on everything need to be known.”― Penn Jillette

“I have to agree with that statement too bad he doesn’t take his own advice and I would add it is better to be silent and thought a fool then to open your mouth and remove all doubt”

You don’t have to be brave or a saint, a martyr, or even very smart to be an atheist. All you have to be able to say is “I don’t know”.”
― Penn Jillette, God, No!: Signs You May Already Be an Atheist and Other Magical Tales

“Is it just me or would that make you an agnostic, just imagine an atheist who just admits he does not know?

“We knew that we were kind of odd and creeps, and we wanted to do odd, creepy stuff for people who wanted to see that”.― Penn Jillette

“And now he spouts off every chance he gets just to get his gob in the media, whatever works I guess. Controversy sells.”

“Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around. If you’re looking for violent rape imagery, the Bible’s right there in your hotel room. If you just want to look up ways to screw people up, there it is, and you’re justified because God told you to.”― Penn Jillette

“If that’s not about 5 logical fallacies in one statement and deserving of one face palm I don’t know what is.”

“I’m a hardcore libertarian – I want everything legal – but I also believe that you have the right to free association.”― Penn Jillette

I’m guessing that applies to everything but religion…

“Atheism is a religion like not collecting stamps is a hobby.”
― Penn Jillette

“If there’s something you really want to believe, that’s what you should question the most.” ― Penn Jillette
Kinda like a belief that there is no god?

“God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.”― Penn Jillette

He knows this how?

I believe that there is no God. I’m beyond atheism. Atheism is not believing in God. Not believing in God is easy — you can’t prove a negative, so there’s no work to do.
I’m saying, “This I believe: I believe there is no God.”― Penn Jillette

Now he wants to be a believer… https://agnostichumor.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/coin-toss/

Atheists are also morally obligated to tell the truth as we see it.

I wonder what truth do the know about god exactly?

We should preach and proselytize too.

Nobody talks more about god than someone who is in denial about his existance.

We need to help believers. Someone who believes in god is wasting big parts of his or her life, holding back science and love, and giving “moral” support to dangerous extremists.

Believers need your help like they need to see another card trick.

If you believe something, you must share it; it’s one of the ways we all learn about truth.― Penn Jillette

And the truth is

agnostic splash copy

And everything else out of his gob is just rhetoric.