Atheists are more confused than an Amish electrician on the subject of God!
An Atheist asks an Agnostic a question, “Here are 5 birds in the tree, if I shoot one, how many are left?”
The Agnostic answers, “0, since the birds will all fly away when they hear the gunshot.”
“The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think” said the Atheist.
The Agnostic then says, “Well then, I will ask you a question. Three Christian women are sitting on the park bench eating ice cream. The first one is licking it, the second one swallows the ice cream and starts sucking on the cone, the third takes a bite out of the ice cream, which one is married?”
The Atheist smiles and answers: “The second one?”
The Agnostic then says, “Wrong, the answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.”
A Christian is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The Christian pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The Christian then says, “Well, I am a Christian, and some of my friends are Atheist. Please make all my Atheist friends have an open mind as an Agnostic.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”
A Christian architect, an Agnostic hooker and an Atheist programmer were talking one evening, and somehow, the discussion turned to which profession was the oldest.
“Come on, you guys! Everyone knows mine is the oldest profession,” said the Agnostic hooker.
“Ah,” said the Christian architect, “but before your profession existed, there had to be people, and who was there before people?”
“What are you getting at, God?” The Agnostic hooker asked.
“And was He not the divine architect of the universe?” The Christian architect asked, looking smug.
The Atheist programmer had been silent, but now he spoke up. “And before God took on himself the role of an architect, what was there?”
“Darkness and chaos,” the Agnostic hooker said.
“And who do you think created chaos?” the Atheist programmer said with an evil grin.
A Christian Pastor, an Agnostic and an Atheist were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The Atheist fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The Agnostic chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!” The Christian Pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
“Hi, George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment. The Christian Pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The Agnostic said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The Atheist said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don””t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”
An Atheist gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The Atheist goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
“Well,” says the bus driver, “every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I’m sure you could convince her to have sex with you.”
The Atheist decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
“Oh, God!” she exclaims. “Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it’s over, the man pulls off his God disguise.
“Ha, ha! I’m the Atheist man from the bus!”
“Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. “I’m the bus driver!”
Three nuns went to a football game and three Atheists got stuck sitting behind them. The Atheists couldn’t see very well because of the nun’s little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave.
”I think I’ll move to California, there’s only 50 Catholics there,” said the first Atheist.
“I think I’ll move to Washington, there’s only 25 Catholics there.”
“I think I’ll move to Idaho, there’s only 10 Catholics there.” Then one of the nuns turned around.
“Why don’t you three Atheists Go to Hell, there are NO Catholics there.”
Why wasn’t Jesus born an Atheist?
Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin!
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil atheist leprechaun riding an invisible pink unicorn with a flying spaghetti monster overhead who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.
“Look,” he said, “if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I’ll help you win.”
“Done,” shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and the three chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. “Hey,” said the little elf, “I have to have your name for my records. What is it?”
“Father Murphy,” grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
A priest from the local parish and an agnostic are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Go to Hell you religious freaks there is no god!” yelled the Atheist driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” said the agnostic to the priest, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead? I don’t know just asking…”
An Atheist burglar was cruising through one of our posh suburbs looking for a target of opportunity. At one house he saw a truck unloading a big screen television, stereo, and video outfit. All the gear had to cost thousands of dollars. He made a mental note and went on his way.
The next day the atheist was back in the same neighborhood. When he drove past the house with all the goodies, he saw an elderly Christian couple loading suitcases into the trunk of their car. He could hardly wait.
That night, without a moon in the sky and a heavy fog, the atheist drove up to the house. He rang the doorbell and when no one answered, broke the lock on the kitchen door and went in.
It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the den where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.
From out of the darkness a voice said. “I see you and Jesus sees you,”
The atheist burglar froze in his tracks.
“I see you and Jesus sees you,” the voice said again.
When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shinned it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.
“I see you and Jesus sees you.” Says the parrot.
The atheist burglar laughed.
“Just a dumb bird,” he said.
The burglar closed the drapes before turning on a lamp and that’s when he saw a big and mean looking Doberman Pincher sitting beneath the parrot’s perch.
“Sic him, Jesus!” the parrot said.
An evil psychiatrist kidnaps an Agnostic, a Christian, and an Atheist to see how their minds work. He locks them in separate cells with a year supply of canned beans and leaves. When he comes back in a year to check on his prisoners, he finds: Two of the three alive.
The Christian had collected rainwater to corrode the cans of beans so he could eat them and praised god for his good fortune. The Agnostic had taken apart his bed and made a crude can opener out of the parts. The Atheist was slouched on the floor, long since dead.
Written in blood beside the corpse read the following:
Theorem: If I don’t eat the beans I will die.
Proof: Assume the opposite and seek a contradiction.